


Flying Low

by artificialjem (EvangelineRae)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Transphobia, Violence, group fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 14:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9077005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvangelineRae/pseuds/artificialjem
Summary: Alaska is assaulted while on the BOTS tour and has to navigate her mental and physical health, relationships, and the stress of the tour in order to heal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on AQ tumblr so chapters are probably going to be up there first. 
> 
> This story deals with mature themes but ultimately is about recovery. None of this is true, it is all fiction and I respect the real people I'm writing about and treat them as characters. Most chapters will not address the assault in detail and I will leave a note on any that do.

AN: TW for implied Sexual Assault in this chapter

* * *

 

The queens all piled into the dressing room, exhilarated from the show but also exhausted from their long day of travel. They were a week into the BOTS tour and no one was getting enough sleep. Tonight had been a good show, the crowd had been particularly fun and loved to participate. However, the venue was incredible small, leaving all of them in one dressing room except for Michelle, who got a tiny single room.

The queens all settled around the cramped space, Violet and Pearl were laughing with each other and Miss Fame stood behind them with a strained smile. Sharon tucked herself in the far corner and began taking off her makeup in the mirror. Katya plopped herself down on the floor and Alaska joined her since there were no chairs left. They were both too tired to bother de-dragging, and Alaska laughed as Katya mumbled some nonsense, as usual.

Bianca, Courtney, and Adore were all piled together on the couch (it was meant for two people but they made it work) and Adore was moaning about a headache.

"My head fucking hurts," she complained.

"Stop bitching and take some Advil." Bianca said, tired of Adore's moaning.

"I don't have any though." Adore drawled loudly.

Courtney sat up from their cuddle pile. "Does anyone have some Advil?" She asked the other queens.

They all looked around at each other but no one seemed to have any.

"I'm surprised any of us are still alive without painkillers." Sharon piped in.

"Don't you have any, Miss Violet?" Bianca asked, emphasizing Violet's name. "Surely that corset must give you a reason to medicate." She indicated to the young queen's tiny waist.

"No bitch, everything's numb from the waist down." Violet laughed.

"Have you tried pressing on your temples?" Miss Fame suggested to Adore, who just groaned and curled closer to Bianca.

"I don't think your voodoo pressure points and crystals are gonna do it Fame." Pearl told the older queen. Fame almost looked offended and opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it.

"I'll go ask Michelle if she has any." Alaska proclaimed, getting up off the floor. She gave Adore a quick squeeze on the shoulder as she left the dressing room. She made her way down the hallway to Michelle's dressing room, and the door was slightly ajar so she peeked her head in. Unfortunately Michelle was nowhere to be found. She looked around the main floor a bit longer but Michelle must have still been backstage with the show managers and Alaska didn't want to bother her.

She remembered there was a corner store they'd passed on the bus to the venue and figured she could just pop in and grab some Advil for Adore. She stepped out the back entrance of the club and the nighttime cold hit her skin immediately. She was still in her long purple dress and heels; she didn't even have a coat. Her footsteps clacked down the sidewalk as she neared the neon lights of the corner store. She entered the store, which was mostly empty save for a two bearded men buying cigarettes. She ignored the looks they gave her as she grabbed a bottle of Advil from the medication section. She stood in line at the counter and she could hear one of the men ahead of her call her a tranny to his friend, and then he gave her a dirty look. Alaska ignored them, she was used to people being bigots and tried not to let it upset her. They both reeked of alcohol too, which was probably the reason for their bad behaviour. Eventually they paid and left the store, and she immediately relaxed.

She stepped up to pay and the middle-aged woman at the counter flashed her an apologetic smile.

"I love your hair." The woman told her, obviously trying to be encouraging. "it looks so good on you."

"Haha thanks." Alaska replied. "It is my natural hair, so." She joked. The woman grinned back at her.

Alaska also grabbed a pack of water bottles she was sure all the queens would need when they woke up hungover tomorrow, and left the store.

She started walking back to the venue, which was right across from their hotel, and she heard someone yell.

"Hey." A gruff voice said.

She kept walking, gaze averted forward, ignoring the voice. She was used to homeless people trying to ask for money and knew it was best to ignore them, even if it broke her heart.

"Hey tranny!" The voice yelled out and she recognized it as the man from the store. She turned around angrily to find he was right behind her and he shoved her down onto the sidewalk in a flash. Her plastic shopping bag fell the the ground and the Advil bottle rolled and grated against the concrete. She tried to yell for help but the man kicked her in the ribs, knocking the breath out of her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing out?," the man asked her, pinning her down under him. She thrashed, trying to break free but he grabbed her jaw forcing her to look at him and spat in her face.

"Help!" She yelled but was cut off by him punching her across the right side of her face. Her head throbbed with pain and her vision started to blur. The man kept hitting her, and yelling about how people like her shouldn't exist. Alaska felt herself slipping out of consciousness as he dug his arm into her ribs. He groped around her body and found her wallet, but he also felt the foam pads she had on her chest and hips. This seemed to anger him more.

"They almost looked real," the man whispered in her ear roughly and she felt him tearing at her dress to pull off her pads. "Did you think you could trick men into thinking you're a real woman? Disgusting faggot."

Alaska found herself freezing up with fear and she forced her mind to wander. The man kept hitting her, touching her, and whispering slurs into her ear but she just slipped right out of her body and far away, into the city lights, to the country side, and eventually back to her childhood home with her siblings and mom. She thought about karate patches she'd never gotten, and trying to play catch with Cory.

This wasn't happening.

She thought about Christmas and Brooke's many boyfriends, about college and theatre, about moving to Pittsburg and meeting Sharon. She thought about all her friends that she loved so dearly, Roxxxy, Detox, Katya, Courtney and Willam.

This wasn't happening.

She thought about the sweet lady at the corner store who told her that her hair was pretty.

That was all. 

* * *

 

What felt like hours later the man was gone but her wallet was lying there beside her. Alaska struggled to sit and rifled through her wallet, noticing all her bills had been swiped. It wasn't like she had that many tips though. Her ID was on the ground and the picture on the front had been scratched. She pulled her torn dress closer around herself and stood up shakily. She immediately shucked off her heels, knowing her quivering legs wouldn't hold her in the 6 inch pumps. She started walking when she came across the bottle of Advil that had rolled away. She leaned down painfully to grab it and tucked it into her bra.

Everything was eerily quiet and she made her way to the hotel. Everyone must have left the venue already, she figured. When she got to the lobby, a moment of panic hit her as she realized she'd have to walk in front of the concierge, who'd surely question her tattered appearance. She waited until he turned around to grab something behind the desk and ran past him to the elevator. She waited anxiously for the numbers to descend to one and sighed in relief when it finally arrived empty. The elevator's quick movement made her feel nauseous but she made it up to the fifth floor and to her and Katya's room.

She pulled her key card out of her wallet but listened at the door for a moment. She concentrated, and could hear Katya snoring loudly. She opened the door as quickly as she could and ran to the bathroom. She tried not to look at herself in the mirror but pulled the bottle of Advil from her bra and dumped out four or five capsules. She knocked them back quickly and turned the shower on at full temperature. She peeled her torn dress off her body, and struggled to remove her tights and underwear with shaky hands. Finally she managed to hop in the shower and and swallowed back the tears that were forming behind her eyes. She washed herself off as best she could but sank down to the floor of the shower, unable to move. Eventually the water ran cold and she forced herself to get up, dry off and hop into bed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska lies to keep her secret safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doesn't talk about the events of last chapter in detail, but everything that occurs is a result. Though the assault will come up in later chapters, this is a recovery fic and it will not be in detail. As usual I will tag and mention all Tw

"Alaska!" A voice yelled, waking her forcefully.

Alaska gasped as she woke, and her whole body ached with pain.

"Alaska, oh my god." Katya exclaimed, looking at the younger queen's bruised face. "What the fuck happened to you?"

"Ugh..." Alaska groaned. "I... I don't know. Everything hurts." Her head was so fuzzy.

"Did you get in a fight? Were you drinking?" Katya asked frantically. "I thought you were sober." Her voice cracked a bit.

"It's fine, I'm fine." She brushed it off, trying to sit up despite the pain.

"Well Michelle wants us to meet in her room in 10 minutes so you need to get ready." Katya looked at her, concerned. "Are you sure you're ok? Michelle is going to flip shit when she sees your face."

"It's fine, I'll be there." Alaska assured her, getting out of bed. She was grateful shed managed to pull on a pair of pyjamas last night so her skin was mostly covered. "I'll just be a few minutes, you go ahead Katya."

Katya stared at her for a moment contemplatively but eventually turned to leave. "Ok, I'll see you in 10 then." She said as she left.

Alaska gave her a thumbs up before going to the bathroom to change. She really had to piss but her stomach was doing somersaults and she barfed into the toilet bowl as soon as she got there. Memories of last night started to creep up in her but she pushed them down so she could wash her face and get dressed. She finally looked into the mirror only to find her right eye completely swollen. Her lip was cracked, and she had fresh bruises forming along her face, neck, and arms. Her breath began to speed up and she felt the panic rise but she forced herself to breathe even though her lungs ached. She pulled on a long sleeve t-shirt and jeans, and tried to comb a hand through her messy brown hair. She looked and felt like shit but this would have to do.

She made her way down the hall to Michelle's room and was faced with a bunch of astonished faces. All the queens tried to talk to her at once, asking about her face, and why she was late. Finally they settled and one voice was clear.

"Where were you last night? we tried to call you." Adore asked.

"I..." Alaska paused. "I can't find my phone." She said, realizing she really had no idea where her phone was. The idea started to bother her. Where had she left it? In the dressing room? Backstage? Out by the--

Michelle gave the other girls a look and said, "just a minute, we'll be back." She grabbed Alaska gently by the arm and took her outside to the hallway.

"What the fuck is this?" She asked, gesturing to Alaska's bruised face.

"I..." Alaska stuttered. "I got in a fight after the show, I think." She lied.

"You think?" Michelle exclaimed. "You don't know? This is so unlike you."

Alaska just shrugged, and wrapped her arms around herself.

"You look hungover, were you drinking?" Michelle asked her, looking right into her eyes.

Alaska averted her eyes from Michelle's strong gaze and swallowed, which Michelle took as a yes.

"How long, 'Laska?" She asked the queen.

"Two years." Alaska said quietly. Michelle had been the one to get her sober, and it pained her to lie to the woman she thought of as a mother.

"We're gonna figure this out. Now get inside." Michelle opened the door and glared at the other queens, daring them to say a word.

"Alright" she said, sitting back down on her bed where the queens had gathered around her. Alaska settled in at the back of the room near Violet, who she knew wouldn't bombard her with questions.

They began discussing the next show, which was in Pittsburg. Some other queens were going to be joining them there, such as Ivy and Jinx. They started going through the set list together and when they got to Alaska's set, Michelle immediately paused.

"You can't perform." She said firmly, looking at Alaska.

"I can." The Queen protested.

"Not looking like that, you can't." Michelle raised her eyebrows.

"I'll cover it up with makeup." Alaska tried to argue.

"I don't think so. No you're out for two days, Adore you'll take her set and after that time is up we will talk again." Michelle left no time for argument and Alaska felt her throat close up. She couldn't not perform, not when there were so many people counting on her.

Michelle ushered them all out and left the room but as Alaska was leaving, many of the queens stayed back to talk with her. She saw Sharon pause as she was leaving before eventually deciding to go back to her room. Adore came up to Alaska first.

"Girl, what happened to you?"

Alaska swallowed before answering, and everyone was looking at her. "I don't know, I got in a fight."

"When, after you left last night?" Courtney asked.

"I thought you went to find Michelle?" Adore added.

"I did, but I couldn't find her..." Alaska went quiet.

"And then what?" Adore asked.

"You're literally the sweetest person I know, who would you even fight?" Pearl piped in.

"Did someone attack you?!" Miss Fame asked, obviously afraid.

Alaska felt the panic rising up. "No." She snapped. The room went silent. "I don't want to talk about it."

Fame looked offended and Alaska immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, please I'm just really tired."

Miss Fame's face softened and she gave the younger queen a hug. "It's ok to relapse," she whispered in her ear. "I know what it's like."

Alaska nodded against Miss Fame, appreciating the comfort. Fame didn't know what it was like, not really, but Alaska just let herself be enveloped in her tight embrace.

Though none of the other queens said anything, Alaska knew they were all thinking the same thing: she'd relapsed and gotten drunk, maybe even high. That was the only way she could have gotten in a fight. Alaska figured that was better than the alternative.

"I'm hungry." Adore suddenly piped in.

"Ok, let's all head down to breakfast before Michelle assumes we've all died." Bianca said, ushering everyone out of the room.

They all made it down to the dining room for a last meal before getting back on the tour bus. Katya plopped down next to Alaska and handed her a full plate of bacon, eggs, and potatoes. The table consisted of Bianca, Courtney, Adore, and her and Katya. They all chatted amicably and tried not to bother Alaska. She found herself fixated on her plate, which was covered with a thick layer of grease. As it got cold, the grease congealed, which was highly unpleasant. Alaska tried to take a few bites but the food got caught in her throat. She could taste how processed it all was, and she couldn't force herself to swallow.

"You're a vegetarian, right?" Courtney asked her out of the blue.

Alaska looked up from her plate in surprise. "Yeah...?"

"Here" Courtney put out her hand and took her plate, scraping the bacon onto Adore's plate, who happily took the extra food. She handed the plate back to Alaska, who immediately felt self-conscious. Everyone had obviously been watching her eat. She smiled at Courtney in thanks and tried to divert their attention by taking a few bites once again. Her stomach rumbled, still upset from the excessive amount of painkillers she'd taken before bed, she knew she'd never be able to finish. Her whole body was still racked with pain, and even sitting at the table was incredibly uncomfortable.

Finally, Michelle announced it was time to pack up and get on the bus. Alaska sighed in relief as everyone began to leave, and she abandoned her mostly full plate at the table.

* * *

 

When Alaska got upstairs to her room, Katya had already mostly packed and was reorganizing her costumes. She smiled and asked Alaska if she needed any help packing, an offer which the taller queen declined.

Alaska started gathering up all of her things when she remembered she was missing her phone and her black pumps. She started to panic, looking around for the beloved items. Where had she put them? Why was she so clumsy and forgetful? She rummaged through her makeup bag, costumes, and regular clothes but had no luck.

"Alaska?" Katya's voice came from the bathroom, where she was gathering her toiletries.

"Huh?" Alaska broke from her worry for a moment.

"Is this your dress in the trash?" Katya asked, lifting up the torn purple dress. It looked like it had gone to hell and back, lacking the glitter and glitz it normally had.

Oh shit.

"It's ruined." Alaska managed to croak. She remembered now where her lost things must be: back on the street, outside the corner store. Shit shit. There was no way she was going back to get them.

Luckily Katya didn't push further and put the torn garment back in the garbage can. When she finished up in the bathroom, Alaska had managed to throw all her things into her three huge suitcases.

She could get a new phone, she reasoned. At the next stop she'd buy a new one and hopefully no one would ask about it.

Katya shot her a worried glance, and Alaska returned it with a smile.

It would all be fine.

The two made it downstairs to the lobby, where most of the other queens had gathered. Miss Fame approached Alaska with a sympathetic look and gave her a squeeze on the shoulder before returning to Violet's side.

Most of the queens were silent, as if they were afraid they might say something to upset her. Sharon wouldn't even meet her eye. However, once Adore, Bianca, and Courtney joined they energy lightened up again. Bianca's biting comments made everyone laugh, and broke the tension. Even still, none of them were ready to have to return to the tour bus.

A few more people trickled into the group over the next few minutes and they were finally ready to load the bus. Michelle reminded them to keep it cute, as many an argument had been formed in the cramped living space. Luckily everyone settled in without much of a fuss, except of course Adore, who complained about not having any snacks.

Michelle sat at the front of the bus, and pulled her sunglasses over her eyes to take a nap.

Alaska was grateful that everyone was exhausted, because it kept the shenanigans to a minimum. If anyone tried to yell or get rowdy, Bianca would (out of love) tell them to shut the fuck up. Most of the queens chatted quietly, or put in headphones to listen to music and nap. Though it wasn't comfortable, the bus really had become their home over the duration of the tour.

Alaska tucked herself into her bunk at the back of the bus, which was a solid mat with a blanket and a pillow, not really a bed. However, she was just exhausted and found herself easily drifting into a slumber. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska struggles to keep sane now that she's been taken out of the tour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating issues, anxiety, ptsd

Alaska woke with a jolt as she felt hands grab onto on her shoulders, and she flinched away from the touch. She began to cough heavily, her throat scratchy and dry. Once the panic subsided she was able to see Bianca standing by her bed. 

"You ok, queen?" Bianca asked, staying composed but obviously worried. "You were thrashing around pretty hard in your sleep." 

Alaska couldn't remember dreaming, but she could feel the lingering fear that she used to have as a child when she had many nightmares. 

"I'm fine." She reassured Bianca. "Just a bad dream." 

"Ok." Bianca seemed to accept this answer. "Some of the girls are having breakfast if you want to join." 

"I'll be there in a minute." Alaska told her, and Bianca left her to join the other queens. 

Alaska sat up and went to the bathroom to clean herself up. The bus bathroom was tiny, and she nearly had to bend over to see herself in the mirror. The bruises on her face were starting to darken, turning purple and brown as opposed to the previous blue and pink tones it had carried yesterday. She felt ashamed of the ugly discolouration, so she pulled out her foundation and concealer to at least minimize the god-awful sight. The darkness still bloomed underneath the flesh-coloured makeup but it was better than nothing. 

Her Alaska 5000 t-shirt stuck to her skin with sweat so she changed into a blue jersey top. It wasn't because she had any interest in sports, however; it was for the look. She was careful not to look at her naked torso as she changed. 

She still looked shitty and she still felt shitty. 

Alaska tried to crack a forced smile in the mirror, but it looked almost demonic. There was a heaviness in her chest weighing down her whole body, but she forced it away. She rolled her shoulders back and stood up straight. If she could look composed, she could feel composed. 

When Alaska made it up to the front of the bus, the other queens were gathered around Michelle. She tossed Alaska a granola bar and gestured to a basket of fruit. 

"Take whatever you want." Michelle told her and Alaska smiled in thanks, clutching onto the granola bar. She didn't open it, and she didn't reach for any of the bananas, apples, or oranges in the basket. She settled down in a seat next to Pearl, who was quietly listening to the others natter on about what they were gonna do at the next show. 

"What's up?" Pearl asked Alaska casually. 

Alaska shrugged. "Oh ya know, the usual." She drawled. She really didn't know Pearl that well but was impressed with how hard a worker the season 7 queen was. She took the tour more seriously than a lot of the girls did, and she was relatively quiet, which was nice in the hustle and bustle of big personalities. 

"Are you sad you can't perform at this next show?" Pearl asked. 

"It's ok." Alaska assured her. 

"You used to live in Pittsburgh, right?" 

"Yeah girl, three years." Alaska replied, trying not to sound too nostalgic. 

"It sucks that you'll be out on home turf."

"No it's ok. The people of Pittsburgh have surely been subjected to enough of me in the past." Alaska chuckled, thinking back to some of her much less polished performances, ones where she'd been barely dressed and high as a fucking kite. They had always been fun though. Except maybe the one when the two men from the audience had come up and pissed on her mid-performance. It hadn't been planned but she rolled with it, despite it being humiliating. That's what she always did; she took the bad and spun it into comedy. That's all she had to do now. 

From the front of the bus, Alaska could hear Adore and Michelle begin to bicker. 

“I don't know about that outfit, sweetheart.” Michelle said skeptically. 

“Come on Michelle!” Adore protested, pulling away her phone, which Alaska assumed had a picture of the costume she planned to wear for the next set. “I wore what you wanted at the last show.”

“And you looked lovely.” Michelle pointed out. 

“But it wasn't me! And besides, I look fucking hot in this outfit.”

“That look is great.” Michelle paused, and Adore looked like she couldn't believe Michelle would compliment her in any way. “For a photoshoot.” Michelle finished. “And I don't like the hair.” 

“I can't fucking stand this!” Adore yelled in frustration. “Is it so hard for you to be proud of me?” 

“I am proud of you, baby.” Michelle’s face softened. “I just expect more from you because I know how talented you are. A ripped t-shirt and fishnets don't scream ‘top three’ to me.” 

Adore looked a bit like she was going to cry, or throw a temper tantrum. 

“Can’t we all just let her do what she wants?” Bianca piped in. “Michelle, you don't have to get what Adore does. Fuck, I hate how she dresses 90% of the time too. But it's still drag, and it's still valid. Her look isn't based on glamour, it's based on talent.” 

“Yeah, and being a messy slut!” Adore added. 

Michelle didn't look convinced, but she was obviously defeated. “Fine, do what you want.” She told Adore. “But you better slay the house down with those vocals, girl.” 

“You know I will.” 

This was an argument they had almost every night, and Alaska felt comforted by the familiarity of it. 

This almost felt normal. 

\-------

They finally arrived in Pittsburgh, which was Alaska's old home city. She looked over to Sharon across the aisle, who met her eyes for a brief moment. This place is where they'd officially met, and where they'd lived together for years. She felt a bit nostalgic as they drove through a familiar part of town, past a batch of colourful townhouses close to where they'd lived. 

As they got deeper into the city, Alaska began to feel uneasy. She couldn't explain the dread and anxiety bubbling under the surface as they neared the venue, but she tried to push it down the best she could. She was the last to exit the bus once they arrived, and she went to grab her two suitcases of drag from the driver. As she tried to take them from him, she found she could barely lift them, she felt so weak. 

“You're not performing tonight right?” The driver asked her, obviously having listened to their conversations throughout the drive there. 

Alaska stopped trying to lift her bags for a moment. “No, I'm not performing.”

“Then you don't really need all this anyways, do you?” 

He was just trying to help, but that didn't make her feel any better. Alaska dropped the bags back into the compartment beneath the bus. 

“You’re right.” She told him, beginning to walk away. 

“I'll be unloading it all at the hotel, so you won't have to worry.” He assured her as she walked. It was his way of showing he cared, and Alaska did appreciate it. 

She walked into the venue, which was a pretty big bar, but she'd never been there before. She entered her dressing room, which consisted of her, Michelle, Courtney, and Pearl: the quiet ones. On the occasional time that Michelle had to share a dressing room, she always picked girls she knew wouldn't bother her during her pre-show routine. Alaska was always included in this group, because she was really rather quiet when surrounded by the others. She preferred to observe the madness, usually contributing with the occasional phrase and bubbling laughter. Not to mention, her and Michelle had been close ever since they did Rocky together all those years ago. 

Alaska settled in at her station, but she couldn't help but feel sad that everyone else was getting in drag while she had to sit on the sidelines. The anxiety still bubbled in her chest as the chaos went on around her. 

As if sensing her unease, Michelle placed a hand on her shoulder as she passed by to grab her costume. 

“You don't have to stay back here all night.” She told Alaska. “You can come backstage and watch. I know how much you hate missing out.” 

Alaska allowed herself to smile at that. It wouldn't be the same, but it would be something. She just wished she could be on stage with them all, as if nothing had happened. She just wanted to get back to work, back to being busy. 

“Knock knock!” A familiar voice came from the doorway of the dressing room, interrupting her thoughts. Alaska smiled as a familiar head of red hair popped in. 

“Alaska, dear!” Jinkx exclaimed, running in to embrace her friend. Alaska tried not to tense up in Jinkx’s arms. “I heard you're not performing for a little while? Are you not feeling well?” 

“Something like that.” Alaska mumbled around Jinkx’s fluffy hair. 

Jinkx gently grabbed her face. “Oh no, what happened?!” She exclaimed, clearly worried about the bruises that could be seen through the melting foundation on Alaska’s face. 

“Just a tussle.” Alaska assured her. “I'll be back in business before you know it.” 

“You better be.” Jinkx got up off Alaska’s lap. “Because I think it'll be time for a duet, once again.” 

“We’ll always be bosom buddies,” Jinkx sang. Alaska couldn't find the energy to join her, but she smiled as if to agree with the idea. She did love doing duets with Jinkx, and their last stint of Total Eclipse of the Heart had been a fan favourite. 

“We'll, I'd better be off then, I'll see you all out there.” She waved Michelle and the other girls goodbye as she left. 

The rest of the night drew on slowly, and in the end, Alaska couldn't bring herself to go backstage to watch. There, she'd be able to see all of the fans she was disappointing and she knew she'd feel even more left out. Her stomach growled with hunger but she suppressed the feeling until she wasn't aware of the draft funnelling in from the air vents, or the sounds of the audience cheering after every act. She huddled herself into the single futon in the dressing room, and eventually dozed off. 

Alaska was only awoken when the show ended and the queens got back from the meet and greet. They dedragged around her but she was numb to everything going on. Her head was still filled with fuzz when they got back to the hotel, and she settled into bed in the room she shared with Katya. 

She was ready to tuck in and move on, but then she couldn't sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Queens get a break from the tour and head to the happiest place on earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what year this is supposed to be of BOTS tbh, I'm making up a lot as I go. Probably right after season 7. Anyways we've got a pretty fluffy chapter, for once. Enjoy.
> 
> Tw: implied eating disorder, anxiety

Today was the queens' day off from tour in Anaheim, so they finally had a break to do whatever they liked. Some of the girls stayed back at the hotel to get some much needed rest, while others couldn't wait to go out and explore. They seldom had time to see any of the cities they visited because they were in and out so fast.

Bianca, Courtney, Adore, Jinkx, Ivy, and Alaska were all gathered in Bianca and Adore's room.

"We should go to Disneyland!" Adore suggested. "It would be so fucking cool."

Some of the girls (Bianca) rolled their eyes at the idea. "How old are you ten?" She asked Adore.

"You're never too old for Disneyland, Bianca." Jinkx said and Adore nodded frantically with her.

"Well you're never too old to learn about capitalist propaganda either." The older queen deadpanned.

"I've never been to Disneyland." Courtney piped in.

"Really?!" Ivy asked the Australian in disbelief. "Then we have to go."

"Please?" Adore begged, giving a puppy-dog face to Bianca.

"Fine!" Bianca accepted. "But I'm not dressing up."

Everyone gasped.

"We have to do drag every night, don't you all want a day off for real?"

"It's Disneyland." Adore stated. "The happiest place on earth, the place where no one can judge you for dressing up like a princess in the day time."

Everyone else seemed to agree. Of course, doing drag every day was tiring, but there was something empowering about going out in a big group all dressed up and having people stand in awe. They also would probably run into a few happy fans.

"Ok fine." Bianca finally gave in. "But I'm not tucking!"

* * *

 

What felt like hours later, their little group was finally ready to go. Adore was serving casual Ariel realness, with a bright red wig, sparkly green eyeshadow, and a pair of ripped green shorts with scales on them. Courtney took the classic route with a short polka dot dress and Minnie Mouse ears. Ivy had on a pretty blue dress that looked a bit Alice in Wonderland, and Jinkx was in a blue and pink floral gown she often wore on tour that didn't look like any specific character but was extremely, Disney-princess-esque. Bianca didn't seem to want to Disney Bound at all and was in her standard cowl-necked Hawaiian look.

Finally, Alaska decided to glam it up a bit. Originally, she was just going to be Minnie Mouse, but Courtney had asked to borrow her ears for her look. She was wearing a pretty pink dress that could be a more casual, runway version of Sleeping Beauty. It consisted of a short skirt with a flowy extra skirt that went over it and hit the ground. Ivy had even lent her a tiny gold tiara to place on her platinum blonde head.

"I'd suggest you all wear flats today." Alaska told the girls as they began to leave.

Courtney frowned. "Drag and flats don't really go together."

"Courtney, I know you've never been to Disneyland but I'm telling you now, the rules change when you're going to be on your feet for ten hours." Jinkx informed her, slipping on a pair of converse sneakers under her dress.

"Not to mention flats are stunningly sexy." Alaska drawled.

* * *

 

The first part of their trip to Disneyland was a whirlwind. Courtney and Adore were both extremely hyper and wanted to get on every ride. Alaska sat out for many of them, but she held all the other girl's bags. Though she was feeling quite a bit better, something about being tossed around and out of control on a roller coaster made her nervous. She joined in on the less chaotic ones like Pirates of the Caribbean, the Haunted Mansion, and of course, Small World. After that one, Adore and Courtney could not stop singing the song and Bianca made sure to express her annoyance, loudly. As they walked, they ran into a few teenage fans who requested photos, but there weren't so many that they couldn't get around comfortably.

They decided to stop for lunch at the Carnation Cafe before going back out for a few more rides and pictures with the characters.

"Do they serve alcohol here?" Adore asked loudly as they sat down and Jinkx shook her head.

"That sucks." Adore said.

Alaska fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat at the thought of having to order something.

"What are you gonna get?" Courtney leaned over to ask her, gesturing to the menu.

"I don't know." Alaska said slowly, trying to sound calm. "I'm not super hungry."

"Do you get a bit motion sick?" Courtney asked. "That's why you sat out for some of the rides, right?"

"Yeah." Alaska lied. "The rides make my stomach turn."

"Well we can share something." Courtney suggested. "I'm not super hungry and you can just take as much or as little as you think you can manage."

Alaska was grateful to accept her offer. Once the food arrived, everyone was busy talking and laughing, and the pressure of the situation went down. She stole a few bites off of Courtney's plate when she was paying attention, but the Australian was usually distracted by the sights, the people walking by, and even the cute waiter who had served them.

Once they finished lunch, they decided to go on Mickey's Fun Wheel. Alaska decided to take part in this one, as heights didn't bother her much. Anyways, the Ferris Wheel was pretty slow and offered a beautiful view of the park. She paired up with Jinkx and they were both strapped into a seat together. As the ride began, she immediately felt her friend tense up beside her. As more people were loaded into their seats, they kept going higher and higher, pausing for each pair to get on. As they got close to the top, Alaska realized they were floating in a place where they almost didn't seem attached to the ride anymore. When she looked down, there were just bustles of people, and upwards there was just bright blue sky. Jinkx began to breathe loudly, and very shortly, beside her.

"Hey, Jinkxy?" Alaska asked her friend. "Are you afraid of heights?"

The other queen bit her lip and nodded. Alaska could see tears forming in her eyes.

"I thought it would be fine, because it's pretty slow but now we're stuck here-

She was interrupted by the ride jolting as it moved for the next pair to get on, and that seemed to make her more panicked.

"Hey, it's ok girl." Alaska reassured her. "Come here." She reached her arms around the trembling redhead.

Finally the ride was full and began its steady turn. Alaska continued to hold Jinkx, who seemed to calm down in her arms. She reminded her that she was safe, and that it was going to be ok. She gently pointed out the sights they could see from the wheel, ensuring her friend didn't look directly down to the ground. When the ride began to slow, marking its completion, Alaska let Jinkx cuddle her face into the crook of her neck, so she wouldn't be uncomfortable with the stop and go again. Eventually, they reached the bottom and Jinkx practically flew off the ride, grateful to be back on the safe ground. She gave Alaska one final hug, whispering a gentle "thanks." In her ear.

As the day drew on and the girls searched for characters to take photos with, exhaustion began to fall on Alaska. She couldn't explain why, but even the bright, gorgeous smiles of the Disney Princesses couldn't cheer her up. There was a sort of nervousness in the pit of her stomach, because she knew this happiness couldn't last forever. At the end of the day, they'd go back to the hotel and back to the tour. She loved touring but being unable to perform and in such close quarters with the other girls made it hard to hide. She sat down on a bench for a moment as the other queens were lined up to meet Aladdin and Jasmine.

"Mommy! Mommy!" A voice interrupted Alaska's thoughts. She looked down to see a little boy with glitter on his face tugging at her dress, a woman, who Alaska assumed was the mother, coming up to her with an embarrassed expression.

"Oh baby, don't bother the nice lady." The mom told her son.

"Oh it's fine." Alaska assured her, neither the mother or her child batted an eye at her deep masculine voice. "My name's Alaska, what's yours?"

"Alaska? Are you Princess Aurora's sister? You look like her." The little boy asked excitedly. "I'm Timothy."

"Nice to meet you Timothy."

"I love your dress." Timothy said. "Mommy I want to be Princess Alaska when I grow up."

The mother smiled brightly, "of course honey." She told him. Alaska was so grateful to see a mother who was open-minded and allowed her child to dream of being a princess.

"I love princesses, and I don't know why boys aren't princesses too." Timothy complained.

"Can I tell you a secret, Timothy?" Alaska asked the boy, who just smiled and nodded excitedly. "I'm a boy and I'm a princess." She reached to take the tiara off her head, and handed it to the child. "And now you can be a boy and a princess too."

Timothy gave her the brightest grin. "Can I hug you?" He asked, looking at both Alaska and his mother for approval. His mom nodded so he stood on his toes to give Alaska a big hug. She felt so happy and warm in that moment, even once he pulled away.

"By royal declaration of Princess Alaska herself, I crown you, Princess Timothy."

The boy began tugging on his mother's hand, obviously ready to go. The woman gave Alaska a huge smile and mouthed a 'thanks' to her as her son pulled her away.

When the other queens got back, Alaska couldn't stop smiling.

"I think we're ready to head out, if you are." Ivy told Alaska. "Jinkx almost fell asleep waiting in line and we all need to be well-rested for tomorrow."

"Of course." Alaska agreed. She then remembered she had given away Ivy's tiara. "Oh Ivy I'm so sorry I gave your tiara to a little boy who wanted to be a princess. But don't worry, I'll buy you a new one as soon as we get to a store, I promise."

"Really?" Ivy asked, her eyes soft. "That's so adorable, I would have done the same thing. And really, don't worry about it, I'm pretty sure it was a cheap toy from Claire's."

Together, they all made their way to the parking lot, and took a bus back to the hotel. For the first time in a long time, Alaska felt happy


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's back back back back back again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: implied eating disorder

  
Alaska was so relieved to be going back on stage. Her face had nearly healed completely and Michelle had given her the go to perform again, after much persuasion. It had been much longer than the two performances Michelle had originally told her she'd miss, mostly because the bruising on her face had taken so long to disappear. Alaska was suspicious that it was Michelle’s way of both making sure she was mentally good and reminding her not to slip again. Being away for so long had started to eat away at her morale. She hated not being productive, especially knowing she had disappointed her fans. She'd begun to feel useless sitting around, and it gave her too much time to think, which was the last thing she wanted to do.

Doing her makeup again was proving to be a great distraction. She was in the dressing room with the other girls, taking her time sweeping foundation over her complexion. She'd decided to come in early to give herself time to get back into the swing of things, and many of the other queens hadn't shown up yet.

"Is there any room in here?" A voice called from the doorway. Sharon peeked her head in, carrying all of her things rather precariously. She glanced into the room, meeting Alaska's eyes and immediately stepping back without even looking around the rest of the room. "Oh it looks pretty full I'll go somewhere else."

"There's a spot over here next to me, Sharon." Katya told her, gesturing to an empty seat between her and Violet.

"No really, it's ok." Sharon protested, obviously wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. "I have so much stuff I'd take up the whole counter." She laughed, but it was tense. Then she dashed down the hallway speedily.

Alaska couldn't help but feel it was her fault. Though Sharon never said anything and always acted civilly, something had been off with her lately. Alaska thought that by now they had moved on and we're getting along as friends again. She didn't know what changed.

"That was weird." Violet broke the silence in the room. No one answered her. "Did no one else think that was weird? You could cut the tension in here with a knife."

Violet had a tendency of telling things how the were, and she was just voicing what everyone else was thinking. No one responded at first; they all just looked around the room, trying to avoid confronting Alaska.

"Are you and Sharon doing ok?" Katya finally turned to Alaska.

"Yeah, we're fine. She just had a lot of stuff, like she said." The girls didn't say anything about the array of other empty spots around the room from which Sharon could have chosen.

Alaska knew that wasn't it. Lately, Sharon always made sure to tuck herself away in a corner if she was in the same dressing room as her. She didn't have that much stuff compared to some of the other queens and was good at packing light, so it wasn't a space issue. Alaska was more sure now than ever that Sharon was avoiding her. She turned down any invitations to go out if she knew Alaska would be there and barely spoke to her unless she specifically had to. It was upsetting that there was tension between them again after they'd both healed and gotten close again. Alaska couldn't help but feel like she must have done something to upset her ex.

However, she didn't have time to worry about it now. If Sharon was upset, Sharon was upset, and nothing could change that. Alaska just shrugged it off and went back to her routine of getting ready for the show and the rest of the cast trickled in one by one.

  
Michelle had given her back her album set, but they'd cut it down by one song. She'd also taken her out of the Snatch Game, which Alaska was disappointed about. Her Laganja impression was always a hit and it was still fun even though she'd done it numerous times already. She loved improvising and just bouncing off the energy of the other girls; it was so freeing in the midst of all the choreographed routines. However, she just hoped that Michelle would let her do it for the next show. Alaska knew not to push her too far, unless she wanted to be taken out completely again. She had to be careful and prove that she could handle it tonight.

  
Alaska finished her face and was so grateful to see her persona staring back at her in the mirror again. She pulled on her platinum blonde hair and secured the lace with glue. She couldn't have any pieces falling off on her first show back. Everything fell back into place as she stood and took off the robe she'd been wearing to protect her costume.

  
Katya noticed her standing up and gave her a reassuring smile. “You ready?” She asked the taller queen.

  
Alaska knew Katya meant more than if her face was beat and her costume was on.

  
“Yes Gawd!” Alaska exclaimed, pulling out her Laganja voice and prancing around her chair. She was tempted to death drop but thought there might not be enough room in the dressing room (not that lack of space ever stopped Laganja). Katya cackled with laughter.

  
“C’mon 49th state!” Katya supported, without the obnoxious accent. The other queens began to finish up and left for backstage.

  
Alaska knew she was ready.

 

* * *

 

Alaska was finishing her set when the wooziness took over her. She'd gotten to the end of “This is my hair”, which involved a lot of head-banging. How else could she thoroughly prove to the audience that this was in fact, her real hair? However, the wild dancing had her feeling extremely light headed and out of breath. The crowd cheered loudly, and she found her vision reeling for a moment amid the chaos. Alaska quickly looked over her shoulder to backstage and saw Michelle with a tight-lipped expression. That was enough motivation to pull herself together again. She planted her feet firmly on the stage and took a few deep breaths until the room stopped spinning. The lights stopped flashing in her eyes and the audience came back into focus. She was ok.

  
“Byeeeeeeeee!” She smiled as the audience joined in on the farewell. That had gone pretty smoothly, considering everything going on. The crowd kept yelling for her even as she left.

  
As Alaska walked backstage to go back to the dressing room to change, Michelle grabbed her by the arm to stop her.

  
“Lasky, are you doing good?” Michelle asked, concern seeping into her voice though her face remained stoic.

  
“Yeah, totally.” Alaska assured her, her legs trembling a bit beneath her.

  
“Don't lie to me Alaska.” Michelle said sternly. “If you're not feeling well and not performing to your best ability, I will not hesitate to take you out again.”

  
“I'll get some water in the dressing room and I promise you I'll be as good as new.” Alaska didn't want her to worry. She didn't want to be pulled out again, not on her first day back.

  
Michelle seemed to take that as an answer, and Alaska was quick to brush past her.

  
She walked to the dressing room to change for the finale, trying not to let her shakiness be obvious to Michelle or the other girls. At first she figured this weak feeling was just from being on stage again after a week away, but even once she sat down in her chair and took off her heels, she still felt like she might pass out.

  
Alaska looked up at her counter spot in front of the mirror. There was a small pile of snacks the backstage crew had left for her sitting beside her makeup kit.

  
That was why.

  
At first, not eating had been deliberate. Her stomach had been so upset the first couple of days that she couldn't handle food. Now, it was more like she'd been forgetting. Whenever she managed to remember to take a few bites, it only made her feel disgusting. She could taste every flavour and texture and struggled to swallow and keep it down. Her body seemed desensitized to hunger most of the time now anyways, and she just didn't have the energy to try to find proper meals anymore.

  
Alaska looked around the room, most of the girls were nattering quietly with each other or getting into their costumes for the finale. She reached for a bottle of water and a granola bar from the snack stash on the counter. She ate quietly, trying not to draw attention to herself so that she could just get back on stage as quickly as possible.

  
As soon as she finished eating she felt her hands stop shaking but her stomach only rolled, like usual. Alaska started to grab her finale costume to change. All the other girls just slipped in and out of their clothes in the dressing room without a fuss, and normally Alaska had no problem doing the same. However, the thought of taking off her shirt and exposing herself suddenly felt very private.

  
She ran to the bathroom today instead. It was her first day back, surely she'd get comfortable around them again. She tucked herself into a corner of the single bathroom where she couldn't see the mirror and switched out of her top and skirt to pull on a short pink dress. As she shimmied it up her legs one of the sequins got caught on her tights, causing a snag. Alaska prayed they wouldn't run but as soon as she moved, the small hole created a long line from her knee up to her thighs.

  
Shit, she thought. She peeked her head back in the dressing room.

  
“Does anyone happen to have an extra pair of tights?’ She asked the other queens. Most of them just looked at each other, waiting for someone to surrender.

  
“I left my extras at the hotel.” Bianca told her, obviously sorry.

  
“Katya?” Alaska tried.

  
“I just might.” The blonde began to search through a messy pile of costumes in her suitcase. “Oh!” She grabbed something and paused. “Oh no those are filthy.” The stained pair was dropped back in the pile. She continued to rifle through her bag for a bit longer but seemed to come up empty handed. “Sorry girl.” She told Alaska.

  
Alaska smiled in thanks and went back into the bathroom. There was no way she could go on without tights covering her legs, not even for one number. She never even did photoshoots anymore without her trusty capezios. She looked in the mirror and noticed that the run created a pale gap in the tights. When had she gotten so pale? It looked like she never saw the sun anymore.

  
It was better than going without, she reasoned. It would have to do, and from the stage it would hardly be noticeable. She got back into the dressing room just in time to catch the queens heading back onstage for the finale.

  
She made sure to smile extra wide. Her cheeks cramped and she just kept smiling.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got buildup drama and some implied pairings in this chapter. Thanks for keeping up with this, hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Tw: implied eating disorder, anxiety

It was the morning after their show in San Francisco and Alaska, Courtney, and Adore had all joined Bianca in her room to hang out. They'd been lucky to each get single rooms at this stop, but the season 6 queens still bombarded Bianca’s personal space almost the entire time they'd been at the hotel. The older queen was trying to pack up all her things in peace but was constantly being interrupted by Adore and Courtney's shenanigans. The two of them were lying on their stomachs on Bianca's bed, going through Grindr on Adore's phone.

"Oh my god!" Adore yelled. "Bianca come look at this one!"

Courtney snorted with laughter beside her. "Bianca this man has a tattoo of you! You have to come see."

"Can't you see I'm busy?" Bianca asked loudly from her packing.   
“I thought you were done with Grindr, Adore.”

  
“Yeah but I haven't found any trade this whole tour and I'm desperate as fuck.” The younger queen replied.

Alaska leaned over from her spot in the guest chair to look at the photo. Sure enough, there was a beefy, shirtless man with a huge tattoo on his bicep. That wasn't the real kicker though. Alaska was overcome with laughter as well, throwing her head back as she chuckled. This only made Courtney and Adore join in even louder. After a few long minutes of cackling laughter and Bianca staring at them with raised eyebrows, Alaska finally calmed down enough to speak.

"I really think you should check this one out, B." She told Bianca, and the Queen finally sighed, dropped the clothes she'd been putting away, and came to sit on the bed. She took the phone from Adore and her jaw dropped.

"Out of drag?!" She exclaimed. "Who the fuck wants a tattoo of my ugly face out of drag?" This set off the the other queens again and they howled with laughter as Bianca sat there stunned. "I don't dress up like a fucking clown every night for your you to tattoo my boy face on your arm."

  
“Oh my god, he's 1.5 miles away we should go find him!” Courtney yelled.

  
“No!” Bianca snapped. “if you're gonna get a tattoo of me it better be a fucking decent picture.” She made classic Bianca faces as she spoke.

The girls tried to settle down but every time they looked back at a frowning Bianca, they were spurred back into their laughing fit. Alaska's sides began to hurt and she was sure the whole hotel hated them right now.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, interrupting the giggle fest.   
"I'll get it!" Courtney said excitedly and hopped up off the bed. How she had this much energy this morning, Alaska didn't know. Courtney opened the door to reveal none other than Michelle Visage.

"Hello Ladies." Michelle stood in the doorway of the small room. "I trust you all got a good night's sleep?"

The faintest smirk appeared on Adore's face. It definitely wasn't because the queens had all gone out partying late last night after the show and meet and greet was all finished. Not that anyone was fooling Michelle Visage.

"Yeah, I slept great on this wooden board of a mattress." Bianca answered her sarcastically, patting said mattress.

"These beds are horrible aren't they?" Michelle agreed. She pulled out a bunch of papers from a folder. "This is the set list for the next three shows. Please check it over and get back to me with any problems."

She handed out the list to each of the girls and Alaska took a quick peek at her parts. She had her full set back and she noticed Michelle had put her and Bianca in for snatch game. She looked up at the woman and smiled in thanks. Obviously she'd proven herself over the last two performances.

"We're loading the bus in an hour, please make sure to grab a bite to eat before we get going because we're going right to the show." Michelle told them as she left the room.

"I wanna get pizza, who else is in?" Adore looked around the room to the others.

"Me." Courtney piped in excitedly, and Bianca rolled her eyes and nodded from her spot beside her.

"Lasky?" Adore asked.

Alaska shook her head. "Naw, I'm good."

The air in the room shifted, and Courtney shot Bianca a look. The older queen shrugged her shoulders and gestured to Adore. There was just a sort of silent conversation between the three season 6 queens. They'd been walking on eggshells for days and Alaska watched the whole exchange with heightening anxiety. This couldn't be good.

"What's going on with you lately?" Adore asked, finally voicing what all three of them had been thinking for a long time. Courtney and Bianca looked at her with sincere concern.

"What do you mean?" She tried to skirt around the issue.

"This is everything we've all ever wanted, making a living doing what we love." Courtney elaborated.

"I know that." Alaska said shortly.

"Then why are you doing this to yourself?" Courtney asked.

"I don't know what-

"You do know what we mean. You may be a lot of things but dumb certainly isn't one of them." Bianca interrupted her. "You never eat anymore." She just got straight to the point.

Alaska didn't want to have to do this.

" It's just the stress of tour, there's always a lot going on." Alaska paused. "Please stop worrying about me."

Bianca in particular didn't look convinced, and Alaska knew the older queen knew she was lying. This wasn't her forgetting to eat a couple of times because she was busy. It had been going on for too long. But she had to do something to put them at ease, or else they'd keep prying.

"I'll try to be better." She promised. "I will."

The three fell back into their looks at each other, obviously trying to figure out if they should push the issue further.

In the end, Alaska let them order her a salad from the pizza place and they huddled together with their vegetarian pizza as she ate it. The three season 6 queens didn't try to hide that they were carefully watching her take each bite. The lettuce of the salad was thickly coated in Caesar dressing and it stuck in her throat as she forced it down. As it settled in her stomach the nausea began to set in but Alaska ignored it and forced a smile. She knew it was just going to come back up later.

"Thanks for looking out for me you guys, I feel a lot better."

"You have to take better care of yourself, my friend." Courtney squeezed her arm gently, and it didn't feel like an innocent suggestion. Alaska knew they were going to be watching her now.

  
They were worried about her, and it was sweet but it felt dangerous. Alaska had to be more careful, because if they figured out she hadn't been eating or sleeping they might figure out--No, she had to stop thinking about that. She knew her behaviour was self-destructive, she did, but she couldn't stop it. Her brain couldn't think properly, couldn't listen to logic anymore. She wished she could just be normal, optimistic Alaska, again.

  
They finished eating so she gave them a quick goodbye. She headed back to her room to grab all her things, and made sure to do a quick scan for anything forgotten. She'd left her favourite hairspray at the last hotel and couldn't do with a repeat experience. Luckily, everything seemed to be clear so she just wheeled her two massive suitcases out the door.

* * *

 

  
They all loaded the bus once again and Alaska settled into a spot next to Katya. The blonde was rather quiet that day, which wasn't necessarily unusual, but she seemed a little sad.

  
“What’s up, girl?” Alaska asked as the other queens began to talk and preoccupy themselves.

  
“Oh, it's nothing.” Katya brushed it off. “I just called Trixie before we got on the bus.”

  
“Why are you sad then? I'd think getting to talk to her would brighten your day.” Alaska knew the two queens were close, best friends even. It was adorable to see how their friendship progressed since drag race.

  
“No, I love talking to her.” Katya clarified. “I just miss her, I guess? I wish she was on tour with us, because it's so hard to communicate for so long apart.”

  
“I get you, girl.” Alaska agreed. She knew how hard relationships of any kind were with all the moving around. It was part of why she was enjoying being single at the moment. “Are you guys doing ok though? She asked.

  
“I guess.” Katya said, but she didn't sound sure. “I'm sure I'm imagining it, but it just feels like she's mad at me for being gone.”

  
“That’s not true.”

  
“No, I know that.” Katya agreed as Alaska raised an eyebrow. “I do. It's just when I can't see her talking to me it's like my brain makes up these ideas that she hates me and doesn't care about me anymore.”

  
“She's your best friend, of course she cares about you.” Alaska reassured her. “She's busy doing good at home and I know she's happy for you.”

  
“You're right.” Katya sighed. “God, I need a Xanax. Or a cigarette.” She laughed. “If she's being shady, it just comes with the territory.”

  
“Drag queens are fucking shady.” Alaska agreed, only half joking. “Are you guys really just friends?” She dared to ask, slumping back in her seat nonchalantly to show that it wasn't a big deal.

  
“Are you and Sharon?” Katya countered, careful not to grab Sharon’s attention. Luckily the spooky queen was wearing headphones, most likely with her punk music blaring.

  
“Yes.” Alaska answered honestly. “And maybe not even that these days.”

  
“Speaking of shady fucking drag queens, right?”

  
Alaska knew Katya was smart, despite how her drag persona acted. She noticed a lot even if she didn't always speak it. Alaska guessed they were similar in that way.

  
“I don't know what's going on with her.” Alaska admitted. She glanced over at Sharon briefly, and brought her attention back to Katya.

  
“Comes with the territory.” Katya repeated.

  
“Indeed it does.”

  
Their conversation paused for a few seconds.

  
“God, I'm horny.” Katya finally exclaimed.

  
Alaska laughed. “Aren't you always?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska's friends confront her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: eating disorder, anxiety

It felt like the tour had been going on forever. At this point everyone was more or less exhausted. Most of the queens had been there since the beginning, though a few had switched in and out depending on the location. It was hard work, and all the travelling was draining. That's why, when Michelle said she'd take all of them out for a nice dinner, none of them could protest. The thought of a proper meal prepared from scratch was divine compared to the pre-packaged lunch and fast food most of them had for sustenance every day.

  
Alaska, on the other hand, had tried her best to avoid this outing. She weighed her options: faking illness? Michelle would worry. Or specifically choosing tonight to visit a family friend who lived in the area? However, after realizing that every single tour member would be attending, it became increasingly obvious that there was no getting out of this one. She would have to sit for a couple of hours, uncomfortable and nervous, while everyone observed. Not to mention she found herself seated next to none other than Michelle Visage, a woman who knew her as well as, or better than her own mother.

  
As soon as her meal arrived, Alaska looked across the table and saw Bianca’s eyes trained on her. She knew she'd have to eat it. Anxiety bubbled in her stomach as she took her fork and knife, cutting one of her roasted potatoes into bite-size pieces. She chewed them carefully, struggling not to gag as she swallowed. She tried to engage in conversation with the other queens so as not to seem suspicious. Katya was sporting a Boston accent and talking about living in the dumpster, doing a portrayal of a character she'd created in Season 7 named Trish.

  
“I’m fourteen days clean and sober, by the grace of God. Still smoking a little bit of pot, but it's whateva.” Katya articulated, still perfectly in character despite being out of drag. Adore laughed, along with most of the Queens at the table. Everyone seemed to think it would make a good addition to the Snatch Game. Time began to pass more quickly and as Alaska neared the end of her plate, she noticed Bianca starting to drift her gaze away, clearly trusting her to eat.

She waited for a bit after she finished, trying to listen and laugh when appropriate. She felt horribly ill but tried to ignore it for as long as possible. She wanted so badly to be able to keep her food down like a normal human being, but her body seemed to have other plans. Finally, Michelle broke out with a riveting story about her club kid days and everyone seemed distracted. Alaska quietly excused herself and no one seemed to notice anything, not even Bianca. She stood up and walked very slowly and calmly to the bathroom, thanking God that it was empty when she arrived. Her stomach was doing somersaults and she managed to lock herself into a stall just in time for her meal to come right back up.

Alaska couldn't make it stop. She barfed in the toilet, kneeling on the dirty tile floor. The bile burned in her throat and she was disgusted with herself for being like this.

Suddenly, she heard voices as people entered the bathroom, and she froze for a second. She tried to be quiet but she couldn't control it. Everything felt out of her control again as she kept heaving and heaving. The barely digested vegetables and potatoes she'd just swallowed made their appearance, and she didn't feel like she'd really eaten enough in the past two days to be expelling this much. She loudly vomited one more time before her stomach finally settled. It felt like she'd been in there forever, but she waited for a moment to listen for the people who'd come in earlier.

  
It didn't sound like there was still someone else in here.

  
She stood up shakily, wiping her lips with the back of her hand, not that it made much of a difference. She wanted to get out quickly so she could try to rinse the acrid taste out of her mouth. Her knees had begun to ache from kneeling so long.

"Alaska?" Jinkx's voice called out as she swung the stall door open. She was immediately faced with Sharon and Jinkx, standing side by side with a look of concern, but not confusion. If anything they seemed like they'd figured something out.

Shit. Alaska knew then that it was out.

"I need to go," she pushed past them both in a panic, walking out the front door of the establishment, past her table of friends. Her legs wouldn't stop and she found herself in the back alley behind the restaurant. The darkness was vaguely familiar and she shivered as isolation washed over her. There was nothing out here except an industrial dumpster and a stack of cardboard. There weren't any street lamps either. This was similar, but different. Alaska found her gaze bouncing to every shadow, every brick on the wall, as if she might be able to stop anything from getting her with her eyes alone. Though there was little around for anyone to use as a hiding place, the darkness could conceal even the most obvious of threats. She doubted being able to see would really have stopped anything from happening last time she was alone in the dark.

  
Alaska didn't know how she was going to go back and deal with this, but being out here alone made her feel extremely uneasy. She just wanted to disappear.

Suddenly, there was a hand on her shoulder and she physically recoiled back into the wall behind her.

"Alaska!" It was Sharon, who'd obviously followed her. Alaska caught her breath for a few seconds then looked to see if Jinkx had trailed along as well. There was no sign of the redhead.

“Are you ok?” Sharon addressed her shaking figure.

“I'm fine.” She took a solid minute to properly recover from the fright, breathing deeply and slowly despite her lungs protesting.

"Can we talk?" Sharon asked her after a brief silence. Alaska really wanted to say no but she found herself frozen in place and unable to move away from her ex.

"Alaska?" Sharon said, raising her eyebrows.

"Fine." She answered curtly, trying to hide the panic in her voice. Shit shit shit. This was it.

Sharon was quiet for a moment, and she moved so close to Alaska that she could count every blonde eyelash on her eyelids. It had been a long time since they'd been in such close proximity, other than when they were onstage and it was all just pretend. Sharon blinked once, slowly, seemingly trying to gather her thoughts enough to speak.

"Please stop this." She finally said. It wasn't how Alaska would have started the conversation, had she been in Sharon’s position, but she supposed she wasn't so lucky as to be on the upper hand of this one.

"Stop what? " Alaska answered spitefully, as if pretending was going to keep Sharon from saying exactly what she'd come here to say. Sharon always got her way, in the end.

"I want to help you." Her voice broke and Alaska realized that Sharon sounded desperate. Not as desperate as the night they'd broken up, but more vulnerable than she ever was these days.

"You don't act like it, you act like you can't even stand to be around me."

"That's not true, I care about you so much. You're my best friend."  
Sharon said sincerely.

"Best friend, huh?” Alaska spit back, and it tasted bitter in her mouth. “Well you gave up the right to my personal life when you threw the first punch." she didn't mean it, she didn't. It was a low blow, bringing up the fight they’d never really discussed, but she needed Sharon to get away from her right now. Sharon had always known her too well.

Sharon looked like she was the one who'd been punched in the face. "That's not fair.” She grimaced. “Why are you doing this, why are you pushing me away?"

Alaska begged her with her eyes to leave it, because she was a ticking time bomb and if Sharon pushed her one more step everything was going to go to shit.

"I need you to go." Alaska pulled herself away from Sharon, who just tried to step closer. “Please." She begged putting her hands out defensively to stop her from advancing.

"I don't feel like leaving you alone is a good idea right now."

"Being around you isn't a good idea right now!" Alaska snapped.

Sharon was silent, jaw clenched and twitching. She was stubborn, Alaska knew that, but she hoped she'd listen to her for once.

"Fine." Sharon finally spoke. "But I'm getting Jinkx out here instead and you don't have to talk to her but you sure as hell aren't staying alone."

She turned and stomped away, and sure enough, Jinkx showed up seconds later, arms open wide and still smiling gently. She was better than Alaska deserved.

"I told the others you weren't feeling well and that I'd take you back to the hotel." Jinkx told Alaska, taking her hand without a question. Neither of them spoke a word, and Alaska fell into the comfortable silence, anxiety lessening slightly. The two got a cab back to the hotel and Jinkx refused to leave Alaska's side once they got to her room. Instead, she pulled her friend onto the bed and huddled against her in the old and musty, but warm, sheets.

"I'm not going to ask why you're doing this, because I know you're not ready, but you're killing yourself and that's not something we can all ignore." Jinkx told her frankly. Jinkx was sweet, but she was strong willed and she could be blunt if the situation required it. “It's hurting all of us too because we just want to help you and you won't let us.”

Tears welled up in Alaska’s eyes without her control. She began to sob and buried her head into her friend's shoulder. She didn't know what she was feeling right now, but everything that had been happening lately crashed into her tonight. An onslaught of guilt, grief, and self-loathing washed over her, and she couldn't stop crying. Jinkx wrapped her arms around her bony shoulders and rubbed her back, trying to keep her friend calm.

"I'm not going to tell Michelle." Jinkx added. "I should, but I'm trusting you here, because you're one of my closest friends. I'm trusting that you will talk to me sometime when you're ready and that this situation" she waved her hands around Alaska. "is going to get better."

Alaska nodded against her shoulder, and she meant it, she really did. She felt guilty because she knew she was hurting her friends, her fans, and her career. It was shitty. She felt horrible about how she'd treated Sharon earlier too. She needed to be better for all of them, and she just needed to get over what happ--

Stop, she told herself. Don't think about that.

She had to be stronger than this. She was stronger than this. If she wanted everything to go back to normal she had to damn well try to be normal, not just pretend.

Alaska let Jinkx hold her for what felt like hours, and even though she was scared, so scared, she felt safe. She just cuddled into her friend until she finally drifted into the deepest sleep she'd had in weeks.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: implied past sexual assault, anxiety

 

Alaska had been working her ass off to be better. Her and Jinkx were almost inseparable, occasionally to Alaska’s chagrin, but she knew it was necessary. They started out slow, but Jinkx set a timer for every five hours during the day, and that's when they would both eat. The first week, Jinkx hadn't made her eat every time the alarm went off, but they'd both go and pick a meal to get in routine. Sometimes Alaska just watched, but she had to stay the whole time Jinkx ate. Alaska eventually found she could stomach protein shakes that weren't too sweet, as well as plain salad without dressing. Swallowing still made her uncomfortable, but she started to get used to it with every meal. Jinkx always let her choose what food she wanted, which was difficult when she didn't want anything, but it made it much less forced.

Courtney, Adore, Bianca, began to join in on the routine, if only because it reminded them to take care of themselves too. On days when it was difficult, Jinkx would send them away though; they never seemed offended. They knew Alaska had to take it slow. Sometimes it made her angry that she was being babied, and she missed independence, but she knew that without the support she'd fall back into nothing again. She'd snapped at Jinkx once after about two weeks but had immediately apologized. She knew it wasn't her friend’s fault; if anything she was mad at herself for not being a normal, functioning human being. She had to keep pushing.

There was definitely improvement, and with that improvement came much wanted freedom. The girls didn't worry about her so much, and didn't have an eye on her every move. That's exactly what she needed and they all fell back into normal tour routine.

 

Tonight had been the show in San Diego. The queens had done a great Snatch Game with impressions of fan favourites such as Liza Minelli, Laganja Estranja, and everybody’s favourite judge, Judge Judy, herself. They’d also performed a Rocky Horror medley that had left the audience gagging. Alaska was now enjoying some time with her friends in the dressing room, discussing the AAA girls with Courtney. The group hadn't gotten together for awhile, and Alaska felt they should try to find Willam if they got a break from tour.

“Should I tell her we’ve got another Christmas song in the works?” The Australian asked, phone in hand and furiously texting on the group chat.

“I guess it wouldn't have to be Christmas necessarily.” Alaska drawled.

“Willam says she wants a St. Patrick’s day song.” Courtney laughed.

Alaska could imagine how Michelle Visage would react to an all-green music video. It wouldn't be cute. “I'm surprised you know what St. Patrick’s day is, Courtney.” She spoke.

“We do actually celebrate it in Australia.”

“Really??” Alaska chuckled. “I bet you don't know what it's actually for.”

“I've been partying it up on March 17th for years! It's for drinking!”

“Tell Willam that, I'm sure she'd be down.”

“I'm getting tired from doing all this typing. You still haven't found your phone?” Courtney complained.

Alaska frowned, and shook her head.

“It could be all the way across the country by now, you should just buy a new one.”

“You're probably right.” She answered. Honestly, the break from constantly checking social media was almost a blessing. She didn't need to see people commenting that she looked tired, even if they were just worried. There was just a nagging feeling associated with thinking about her phone, that surely her brother and mother and fans were wondering how she was doing, and she just couldn't deal with that right now.

Suddenly Rupaul's “Sissy that Walk” came on, interrupting Alaska and Courtney’s conversation, and everyone cheered. Adore seemed to still be hyper from the show, so she began to dance around the dressing room. Eventually, she appeared to be bored of runway walking by herself and tried to get the other queens to join.

"Dance with me, Lasky." Adore exclaimed, grabbing Alaska by the hand and pulling her to her feet from her spot next to Courtney on the sofa.

They stumbled around awkwardly to the music, and everyone was watching them, bubbling with laughter. The song switched to a tango, so Adore and Alaska gripped onto each other and ended up in a hilarious parody of the provocative dance. Neither of them knew how to tango, and they mostly tripped over each other's feet. At one point, Adore even tipped Alaska, which was absurd as she was quite a bit shorter. Bianca snorted when they did this. As they got further into the dance, their coordination only got worse, and Alaska couldn't breathe she was laughing so hard.

The room began to sway as they both got dizzy and Alaska leaned her back against the wall to regain her balance. The music was still blaring and Adore tripped and fell face first into Alaska, dragging her down with her. They hit the ground, and Adore slammed onto The taller queen, her hands hitting right beside each of her ears with a loud thump. Everyone in the room cackled even louder at their stumbling.

Alaska froze.

The room blurred in her vision, and the panic rose up in her chest. She couldn't breathe. She was trapped under the weight of Adore's body but that didn't even feel real. It was as if she wasn't in her own body at all but instead floating somewhere just a few feet up. The other queens were still laughing but it didn't feel like they were physically standing next to her; rather, she was watching them as if through a tv screen.

"Alaska?" A voice echoed through the fog in her ears. It was Adore.

Alaska didn't answer her. Everything slowed down around her and she felt like she didn't need answer. She wasn't really there.

The weight on her body shifted as Adore stood up, but she still couldn't breathe. Everything was pushing into her, pushing her down down down into the ground. Nothing felt in her control anymore, and she couldn't move as she felt phantom hands ghosting around her body. A voice whispered in her ear. She could almost hear the sound of a belt unbuckling. She tried to push it away, but this this time it didn't work.

The other girls had stopped laughing, but that didn't mean much to Alaska.

She could faintly remember the rough concrete underneath her back, the humid cold that seeped into her bones. She squeezed her eyes shut but when she opened them her vision swirled with darkness.

Adore reached out a comforting hand on Alaska's shoulder, and she flinched away violently, brought to reality for a moment.

"No, don't." She choked, a feeling of dread filling her chest. “Not again.”

  
Fuck, this was actually happening. She became aware of everyone clumped in around her, and they all looked so distraught and confused. Her heartbeat pounded hard against her rib cage, and she was overwhelmed by all the sensations hitting her at once. Everything was so loud and so bright, she could hear the air conditioning blowing, and the dressing room lights burned into her eyes. Her lungs refused to work properly, so she could only manage short, shallow breaths. She was scared.

Adore was still kneeling next to her with her hands open-played and hovering above her, as if she wanted to touch her but was afraid she'd break something.  
Perhaps she wasn't wrong.

"Stop." A voice said sharply. Sharon. Everyone turned to see the half-dressed queen standing stone-faced outside of the circle. "She said not to touch her, so we all need to take a step back."

The girls moved out of Alaska's personal space, and Adore reluctantly stood up to join them, her lip quivering as if she was holding back tears.

"I need one person to get Michelle, and one person to help me get Alaska out of her corset without upsetting her." Sharon ordered, her voice unwavering.

Courtney slipped out of the room, silently taking on the task of finding Michelle. Everyone else stayed frozen as if they didn't know how to help but couldn't bring themselves to leave.

  
Jinkx came up from the back of the group to help Sharon, and they both gently kneeled next to Alaska, who was still panting on the floor.

"We're going to have to touch you, I'm sorry, but I'll tell you everything we are going to do before we do it, ok?" Sharon told her. "Now, do you think you can sit up?"

Alaska didn't really feel like she could, but Jinkx told her to take her hand, and she helped to slowly pull her into a seated position.

"I'm going to unzip the top of your dress, is that ok?" Sharon asked her.

Alaska tried to reach around to do it herself, her hands shook so much that she couldn't pull the zipper down in a straight line. She tried to fumble with it for a few seconds, and ended up losing her grip as she got more frustrated and her breathing continued to speed up.

Fuck, why couldn't she just do this right?

Sharon looked her straight in the eye. "Breathe, please." She ordered her gently.

  
"I-I can't." Alaska choked out. "It's all too tight."

"Ok, then you need to let me unzip your dress so I can get you out of that corset." Sharon said gently.

Alaska sat for a moment before finally squeezing her eyes shut and nodding. She took hold of Jinkx’s hand, and clamped it tightly to distract from the uncomfortable sound of the zipper sliding down. She could feel Sharon’s hands gently brushing against her back and tried to keep her mind from wandering to other hands that had done a similar thing.

It's Sharon, Alaska told herself. She trusted her. It wasn't the same

She choked back a gasp as the zipper slowly hit the bottom and her dress fell loosely around her shoulders. She looked up shamefully at her friends, and Katya met her gaze briefly, before looking away. Alaska tried to breathe in slowly. Then out, in a shaky exhale.

Michelle burst into the room with a bang, Courtney following right behind her. She was fuming, and looked like she had talked, or yelled, the Australian’s ear off all the way down the hallway. However, she didn't say a word and came to Alaska's side. She ushered Jinkx away and took Alaska's hand in her place.

"I'm just getting her un-cinched so she can breathe better." Sharon told Michelle. The woman's mouth was a sharp line, but she still kept it shut.

Michelle did her best to keep Alaska calm as Sharon unlaced her and finally removed the constriction from around her waist. As her bare torso was revealed, the other queens in the room gasped at a large, red bruise that blossomed across Alaska's ribcage. It looked to be almost foot long, and still tender.

"Shit." Michelle said quietly. “We’re going to need a doctor.”

  
Alaska squeezed the woman’s hand harder. “No.” She croaked. “No doctor, please.”

  
“You’ve been corsetting on top of this? Fuck, it looks like your ribs are fractured.” Sharon spoke from beside her. Alaska didn't answer.

“Is that from...?” Adore spoke up but trailed off, implicitly addressing the fight Alaska had gotten into nearly six weeks ago.

Alaska felt tears welling up in her eyes, and she started to sob. She didn’t want to deal with this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She felt so vulnerable, sitting half-naked in front of all her friends, her colleagues. She normally had very few problems with nudity, but it felt different now. She wanted so badly to disappear.

“Hey baby, hey baby.” Michelle comforted her, taking both of Alaska’s hands in hers. “I need you to breathe with me, ok?”

Alaska breathed in with Michelle for five.

“Ok, now out for five.” Alaska choked and gasped out for five. This cycle continued.

“Does it hurt your ribs to breathe?” Sharon asked her after she’d calmed down a bit.

Alaska shook her head. “Not anymore.”

“That’s a good sign, right?” Sharon directed the question at Michelle, who nodded but seemed unsure.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room now that the chaos had died down. No one knew what to do, or what to say, but they obviously knew something was wrong.

“Alaska, do you think you can tell me what happened?” Michelle finally asked.

“We were just dancing.” Adore piped in instead, trying to make sense of the situation. “And we tripped.”

“Alaska?” Michelle asked again. Alaska took a long moment before answering.

“We tripped and Adore fell on top of me and I got scared, or something, I don’t know, I don’t remember.” She didn't really remember, it was all hazy now, and she didn't want to remember.

“Why were you scared?” Adore asked, looking almost hurt. “You know me, I'm clumsy.”

“I know, I know. I just…” she couldn't explain what had happened. “I must have been feeling sick.”

“Can you please stop this?” Katya stepped forward, voice trembling. “This bullshit is what you've been doing since the morning I woke you up and your face was wrecked to all shit. You're not doing yourself any favours so can you please stop lying?”

Riddled with guilt, Alaska looked down at the floor, avoiding Katya’s eyes. The Russian Queen stood in silence but the anger in her eyes melted away as she seemed to piece things together. “Shit Fuck. No no no no no.” She swore. Next to her, Miss Fame started to cry.

“Not her.. Why her??” Katya directed her words at Michelle, as she gestured to Alaska. Michelle was at a loss of what to do.

Alaska was getting overwhelmed again. Everyone knew. Or the ones who didn't were going to figure it out. There was nothing she could do, and there was no pretending anymore.

“We need to go.” Bianca spoke up for the first time, her voice stern. She grabbed a distraught Katya and Fame, turning them both around with a hand on their shoulders. She gestured for the others to follow her out of the room. Some of them looked confused, and others wanted to stay and help but Alaska needed space. Michelle gave Bianca a look of thanks as she left.

Sharon stood up to leave as well, but Alaska grabbed her arm. “Please stay.” she croaked.

Sharon sat back down on the floor next to her. The three were silent for a moment, and nothing could be heard except Alaska’s shuddering breaths.

“That night, when you said you got into a fight, you lied.” Sharon finally broke the silence.

“Sharon.” Alaska whispered, trying to stop the conversation from going there. Both Sharon and Michelle looked at her expectantly.

“Why did you leave the venue?” Michelle asked her. “Justin?”

“Aaron, I'm scared.” Alaska looked at Sharon, ignoring Michelle’s question.

“It's ok, we’re going to figure it out.” Sharon reassured her. “But we need you to explain what happened, the best you can.”

“Oh god.” Alaska said. “But everything is going to be different, and everyone is going to know, and they're going to hate me.”

“No one is going to hate you.” Michelle assured her, but Alaska continued to babble.

“And I know I won't be able to perform, and if the fans find out, and Ru… Fuck.” She started to cry again. “It's over, I can’t-I can't do do this.”

“Hey now, hey now, let's take this one step at a time.” Sharon said. “Everything is going to change, you're right. But it has to. You can't change what happened, and you can't keep pretending you're fine. You're running yourself into the ground, starving yourself, not sleeping. Right now, you need help.”

Alaska looked up at her through her lashes.

“The other girls are your best friends, and they are going to support you and love you no matter what.” Michelle reminded her. “And we’ll keep this on the down low but if it gets out, we will figure it out. Ok?”

“Ok.” Alaska whispered.

“Let's start with when you left the dressing room, that was the night right?” Sharon gently asked.

Alaska nodded. “ Adore had a headache and no one had any painkillers.”

“You went to find Michelle.”

Alaska directed her words to Michelle. “Yes, so I went to find you because you've always got everything anyone could possibly need, water, makeup wipes, band-aids. But you were busy backstage and I didn't want to bother you.”  
The words began to flow much easier. “I knew there was one of those 24hour convenience stores a couple blocks away, so I went to buy some Advil. I was still in full drag but I didn't think I would see anyone at that hour of the night, and honestly I can deal with people calling me names. There were these two drunk guys in the store, who did just that, but they left pretty quickly and without much of a fuss. But one of them jumped me on my way back to the venue. I don't remember a lot… I know I didn't fight back. “

“Do you remember what he looked like?” Sharon questioned.

  
“I-I don't know.”

“Please try?”

“He was short, I think” Alaska paused. “But burly, with large shoulders. He was wearing dark clothes, jeans, work boots. And he had a beard.”

Sharon looked grateful for the information, but there was anger in her eyes.

“His breath smelled like alcohol.” Alaska continued, and the memories came rushing in. “He pushed me down and beat me up at first but soon enough I was on my back, with him looming over me. He ripped my dress, and he tore off all my padding and accused me of trying to trick him. He told me it was my fault for trying to seduce him. He told me he figured I'd like it, because I'm a faggot. He had me pinned down but I didn't really fight, and I didn't tell him to stop. Then he took off his belt, I know because it jingled against the concrete, and he grabbed my hips and-

“Stop, please stop.” Sharon interrupted her, her voice breaking for the first time. Michelle’s eyes glistened with tears, and it was enough to set Alaska off again.

“I'm sorry.” She sobbed.

“Don't be sorry baby, don't be sorry.” Michelle whispered, reaching out to embrace Alaska. The queen leaned into the touch and it wasn't uncomfortable; it was safe.

“I need- I need to get some air.” Sharon stuttered, standing up and leaving the dressing room in a flash.

“I made her upset.” Alaska said as the door closed behind her ex. Sharon’s absence left an uncomfortable tension in the room.

“It's not your fault. Of course she's upset, of course she's angry. But that's not because of anything you've done. You know Sharon, you know she's smart enough not to get emotional around you right now.”

Alaska did her best to try to believe Michelle.

Exhaustion began to hit her now that the weight she'd been carrying on her shoulders for weeks had finally been lifted. Alaska tried not to think about how everything would be different now. She tried not to worry about the other girls and what they must be thinking, or about Sharon and their already tenuous relationship. That was not even considering everyone outside of the tour, fans, friends, family. She was just so sleepy now, and the thoughts got pushed away. It was like Sharon had said, she couldn't change that everyone knew, and she'd have to figure it out in the morning. For now, she just needed to rest.

They would deal with this tomorrow.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took forever, it's long to make up for it though. Please check out rainn.org it's a great resource for sexual assault survivors and friends/family. 
> 
> Te: anxiety, discussion of sexual assault, eating disorder mention

 

Sharon couldn't sleep. She just rolled around in the queen-sized bed in her hotel room for hours, throwing the covers off because she was too hot, then having to grab them off the floor fifteen minutes later because she was too cold. She couldn't stop thinking about Alaska. Her mind wandered to their conversation, and as she remembered her describing what had happened that night, Sharon had to run to the bathroom, sure she was going to throw up. However, she just found herself kneeling in front of the toilet boil, dry heaving for about ten minutes. Finally, once she was sure she wasn't going to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet, she got up and paced around her room.

She pulled up her phone, typing "sexual assault" into the search bar. She scrolled through the many entries before coming across a phone number for a helpline. Without really thinking, she dialled the number into her phone and waited as it rang. Even though it was now nearly 4:00 am, someone picked up on the other line just seconds later.

"Hello, you have reached the National Sexual Assault Hotline."

Sharon froze.

"Hello? Is there anyone there?" The person on the line had a gentle, feminine voice.

"Yes, hi." She barely managed to utter.

"How can I be of assistance to you tonight?"

Um.... one of my friends has been..." raped? Sharon couldn't bring herself to say it. "Sexually assaulted, and I don't know what to do."

"That's definitely something I can help with. Are you or your friend currently in crisis?"

"Crisis?"

"Are you in need of emergency assistance and are you somewhere safe?"

"Oh, right. Yes, we're both safe." Well, Sharon wasn't sure Alaska wasn't in crisis, but there wasn't an imminent threat.

"Alright, I'll take a moment to let you know that anything you say tonight is completely confidential, and I don't require any personal information about you or your friend."

"Ok." Sharon's voice was still small, but some of the nervousness melted away at the thought that no one ever had to know she'd called. It somehow felt like a moment of weakness. Though Sharon could act stupid, she was far from it, and she didn't like not knowing what to do. However, she was safe and alone in the hotel room, and the woman on the phone had no idea who she was.

"So one of your friends is a sexual assault survivor and you want to know how to support them?"

Sharon wasn't even sure what she wanted. She felt completely out of her depth in processing the information and how to help Alaska. She used to know her so well, and it felt wrong somehow that such a monumental secret had been kept from her.

"I guess I just want to know what to do, or how to help her. Because she's been bad lately; she's not herself, she's not eating, and I want to support her without hurting her."

" It's good that your worried. It isn't an easy thing to go through alone and she's going to need help. Has she spoken about how she's feeling?"

"Not really." The mental breakdown tonight hadn't been explanatory.

"That's a good place to start. Just let her know that she isn't alone and be there to listen and support her no matter what." Sharon felt guilty thinking about how she'd made Alaska stop while she was talking about what had happened. It just made her feel sick to her stomach.

"Should we go to the authorities? The..." Sharon choked on the word again. "assault happened a while ago but maybe it's worth it to catch him?"

“It's really important not to force a sexual assault survivor into anything. An incident like this is one where control has been taken away from her, so if you can give her control over how she wants to move forward, providing she is not a danger to herself or others, it's a good way to go about it."

Alaska probably wouldn't want to press charges. Sharon knew her well enough to say that. It's not that justice wasn't important but seeing how Alaska seemed to want to ignore the event altogether, Sharon doubted she'd be able to convince her to go the the police. It made her blood boil to think that the person who did it would continue to walk free, but she knew she couldn't push it, not if she wanted to avoid another breakdown.

The woman continued, "A lot of the recovery process is going to take time, and it has to be done by the survivor at her own pace. What you can do is just be supportive and willing to listen. Understand that your friend has experienced trauma, and that she may not be her best self right now. Be patient."

"And what if I can't help?" As much as she hated to admit it, Sharon really didn't know Alaska that well anymore, and she wasn't sure she could deal with this mess. "When she told me, it was overwhelming, and I feel out of my depth. Like the starving herself? I feel like it's too serious for me to handle but I know I won't be able to get her to see a doctor."

"That is worrying. Does she have family to support her?"

"I know they would, but I doubt she'd be comfortable telling them." She hadn't been comfortable telling Sharon and Michelle, shit just went down.

"That is serious, you're right. Obviously you can't force her to do anything, but she might need professional help. You could definitely suggest it to her."

Sharon knew that she wasn't going to get all the answers from a voice on the phone, but she still wished there was some magic trick she could use to fix everything without potentially betraying Alaska's trust. Wasn't there a way without therapy, without doctors, without cops, to make her realize that she was stronger than this?

"I'll do my best." Sharon finally said.

"That's all you can do." The woman began to finish. "What you're doing is really important and really amazing. Your concern and love alone is going to help."

Somehow, Sharon wasn't sure it would be enough.

\--------

"Good morning, sunshine."

Alaska opened her eyes to see Michelle's face hovering in front of hers.

"Hmmm?" She gently mumbled, still groggy. "What time is it?"

Michelle opened her mouth to answer but the memories of last night came rushing in and Alaska shot straight up in bed, her body taken over by tension.

"Fuck." She said as she found herself paralyzed with anxiety and unable to breathe. This couldn't be happening again.

  
"Wow there." Michelle gently took her hands. "It's ok."

Michelle patted her on the back for a few seconds, before moving to gently massage her arms until they relaxed. Alaska was finally able to breathe again, and laid back down onto the fluffy hotel pillows.

"Are we gonna be late?" She asked Michelle meekly, dwarfed by the massive duvet set covering her body.

"No." The older woman answered. "I've cancelled tonight's show."

"What?!"

"I don't think anyone is in the position to perform tonight."

"But-

"This is the one thing not up for discussion. Everything else, on the other hand, we're gonna talk about."

"Ok." Alaska's voice wavered.

"But we're gonna take our time, and if you need me to stop you have to tell me. Deal?"

"Deal."

"First things first, I want to get someone in to look at your ribs."

"Like a doctor?"

"Yeah."

"I-I don't know about that."

"It would just be for the bruising. We don't have to tell them anything else if you don't want to."

Alaska was quiet.

"Alaska? I don't want to do anything you don't agree with, but I really think you need to get your ribs checked out because they're obviously not healing. Does that sound ok?"

"Yeah." Alaska whispered. "But no police?" Michelle almost looked ready to fight her on it. "Because I don't think I can deal with that."

"No police." Michelle agreed.

The chances of being able to catch the guy seemed slim anyway.

"But before I call the doctor, I need you to be honest with me. Do you have any other injuries, even minor ones, that I should get them to look at?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Ok, I'll be right back."

Michelle went out into the hallway to make the call, but she left the door ajar so Alaska could still see and hear her, even if only faintly. About an hour later, the doctor, a short blonde woman had arrived at the hotel.

  
She got Alaska to take off her shirt, and the queen had Michelle stay in the room as the doctor examined the wound. She felt a bit childish, but she was much more comfortable if Michelle held her hand. The woman prodded the area for a while, causing Alaska to flinch only slightly. She admittedly had barely noticed the bruise had been there at all. She'd been avoiding being naked or looking at her own body as much as possible. Not to mention she'd felt so out of tune with herself lately.

The doctor asked her a few questions about how she'd gotten the bruise, how long it had been, and Alaska answered without giving away too much. At one point, the woman remarked that it had been healing more slowly than it should have been, so Michelle had to tell her that Alaska had been waist-cinching over it for weeks. The doctor looked disapproving of that, but luckily didn't seem to have a problem with the career choice. Alaska didn't bother mentioning that she hadn't been eating or sleeping properly since the incident either. She was smart enough to know that had been a contributing factor without the doctor saying so. The woman finally concluded that she had two fractured ribs, but the wound wasn't infected. The fact that Alaska was no longer having breathing pain from it was a good sign too. She'd asked if she'd be willing to get an x-ray but the queen refused. It was enough of a stretch that she was letting someone examine her at all, but going to an actual hospital, she couldn’t handle.

“Ok, this is as much as I can compromise. You’re going to need to stop corseting first of all, I recommend a break from performing at all to be quite honest. You need to rest and treat your physical and mental health well so that you can heal.”

  
Alaska reluctantly agreed, and the stout woman finally left her in peace. She pulled her t-shirt back over her head, yawning with exhaustion. The entire ordeal had been draining.

“Go back to sleep, Lask.” Michelle told her. So she did.

\-------

Sharon finally pushed herself to leave her room and was immediately bombarded with questions the second the door closed behind her. The queens had gathered out in the hallway waiting for Michelle, obviously very worried.

“Sharon? How's Alaska?”

“She's… She's not great.”

“What happened after we left, did she tell you what happened to her?”

Sharon saw Katya purse her lips from the back of the crowd. She already knew.

“I'm sure a lot of you have figured it out, but I don't feel like it's my place to say.”

It was hard to keep secrets on tour, but Sharon could do her best to keep Alaska’s privacy. She was sure Bianca and Courtney would explain it to Adore, and Fame would tell the season 7 girls, and eventually everyone would know, but she hoped they'd have the decency to respect Alaska regardless. No, she knew they would. They might be nosy but they were all good people.

A few minutes later, Michelle came out of Alaska’s room to greet the queens, and invited them into her own hotel room to talk.

"I've cancelled tonight's show, and I'm about a second away from cancelling the rest of the tour." Michelle said once everyone had settled in.

There was murmuring among the queens, some of them confused or upset but mostly worried.

"That being said, I understand if you feel you need to leave. I don't expect this is easy on any of you. However, it's hardest on Alaska, and she really needs-" Michelle's voice broke. "She needs your support right now."

  
“Is Alaska gonna go home?” Sharon asked Michelle.

“I'm trying to convince her to do so, but she doesn't want to tell her family, and I have to respect that. I know they'd ask questions if she went home, and I don't really want her going back to LA alone.”

Of course they would. They loved her. Sharon knew that though Pam and Cory didn't always understand Alaska, they cared about her more than anything.

“She can stay with me.” Jinkx volunteered. It didn't seem like a bad idea to have someone watching out for her.

“Maybe we should all go home.” Sharon admitted. It's not like she wanted to cancel the tour, but maybe they could push it over a month. It would suck for the fans, but Sharon didn't know if she could even continue right now. “I can find somewhere to stay in LA Jinkx, so I can visit.”

“Me too.” Katya added. Some of the other girls agreed that they would be there for Alaska if she needed. Sharon knew her ex wouldn't want to be coddled but it was nice to see that these people weren't only her colleagues, but her friends, and wanted to help if they could.

The queens agreed to stay at the hotel a couple more days so they could work out new scheduling for the tour after their break. Some of them wouldn't be able to come back next month due to other gigs, but Sharon was sure Michelle would find other Ru-girls to join instead. Like Alaska, they were just going to have to work through it one step at a time.

\-------

Alaska managed to get up again much later in afternoon, and she was grateful to see that Michelle was gone when she woke. She pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans that seemed mostly clean and snuck out the door of her hotel room, careful to watch for the other queens. Luckily they all seemed to be out or busy.

She went around the side of the building, and sure enough, there was Sharon, smoking a cigarette, leaning against the wall of the hotel. The sun was hanging low in the sky, hitting the queen with a cinematic orange hue. Only Sharon could manage to look dramatic in yesterday’s clothes standing against an ugly beige wall. Alaska didn't say anything at first but held out her hand. Her ex set a cig in it and lit it for her without a question.

“You look like shit.” Alaska told Sharon. The older queen had deep circles under her eyes that may as well have been bruises on her pale skin.

“You're one to talk.”

“Oh believe me, I know.” Alaska took a drag on her cigarette, relishing in the familiar calm that came with her inhale. She really didn't smoke anymore but she figured today might be an exception. "Did I do something to make you angry?” She finally asked Sharon, her ex’s strange behaviour from the whole tour still on her mind. She didn't know why the courage to ask came to her now, but it seemed right. “Because if I did I'll try my best to fix it."

"No, of course you didn't.” Sharon answered but she wouldn't meet her eye.

"Then why were you avoiding me?" Alaska questioned. Sharon helping her yesterday had been a strange crack in her demeanour, and she didn't want to let it go.

For a moment her ex still faced away but she suddenly turned to speak.

"I'm engaged." Sharon finally blurted out. "And I didn't know how to tell you so I thought I'd just wait it out until the tour was over so it wouldn't be weird."

"Well, you made it weird by running away anytime I was near and refusing to speak to me."

"I know. I know that."

"Why didn't you just tell me, Aaron?"

"You know why."

"I don't. We're not together anymore, we've moved on, we're friends now."

"You still love me." Sharon said. "And I'm not saying in what way, but you do. And I know you, Justin, you'd be hurt but you wouldn't say a word and you'd just keep acting like everything was perfect and you'd support me no matter what. Hell, you'd be my best man if I asked you to, even though I broke your fucking heart, because you love me. I don't deserve that."

"Do you love me, Aaron?"

"Of course I fucking do. But you love in a way that is so devoted and and passionate that you give up yourself for the ones you care about, and it feels just like when we were together because I can't give you that. But at least I could try to spare you the pain this time."

Alaska was quiet for a moment, pondering. "It's Chad?" She asked quietly, but without any bitterness.

Sharon nodded.

"He's a great guy. I'm happy for you."

"Stop." Sharon said.

"Stop what?"

"Don't say you're happy for me, please just tell me the truth for once Justin."

"I am happy for you Aaron. What do you want me to say? You deserve someone who makes you happy, and that's all I've ever wanted for you. It hurts like a fucking bitch that I couldn't be that person but I wouldn't give up being your best friend and getting to see you accomplish your goals just to save some heartbreak. I'm strong."

"Of course you are." Sharon looked a bit sad. The two fell into silence.

Alaska kicked some ash off the tip of her cigarette before speaking again. “Thanks for yesterday. I don't think I've said that yet.”

“Anytime.” Sharon answered. “Sorry I had to leave last night. And sorry I've been a little bitch this whole tour.”

“It's ok.” Alaska didn't really feel like Sharon was the one who should be apologizing. Especially not for what had happened in the dressing room after the show. No, that had been all Alaska.

“Do you need anything?”

To go back in time and have everything go differently? She could go back and stay at the hotel instead of going out alone that night. Hell, she could go back and get clean and sober earlier, she could go back and not fight with Sharon, she could go back and not cheat, and not let Sharon cheat, go back and win Drag Race, or get on Season 4 instead of 5.

But that was all just dreaming. Alaska kept her mouth shut and shook her head. There was nothing she could ask for that Sharon could actually give.

“I'm here for you if you need anything: a good laugh, a bad meal, an ear to listen.” Sharon said almost jokingly. “forever.” She added, in a much softer voice.

Those words sounded too good to be true. Alaska’s heart tugged a little bit.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: suicidal thoughts, eating issues, anxiety

 

“Alaska?” Jinkx pushed the door open. It was unlocked. The curtains were drawn shut but murky sunlight filtered through them. The room itself was filthy, and the floor was covered in costumes, wigs, shoes. Jinkx made her way over to the bed, trying not to trip in the dark “What's going on?” She asked.

“I want to die.” Alaska whispered with a gravelly voice, buried beneath the covers on her bed. Her voice was muffled, and though she was sure the sight of her eyes barely peaking over the duvet was comical, Jinkx didn't laugh.

“Oh honey….” Jinkx said with pity, coming over to stand by the foot of her friend’s bed. “You don't mean that.”

“No, I'm serious Jinkx I really want to die.”

“Please, can you stop saying that?”

“It doesn’t make it less fucking true.”

“No, you're right.” Jinkx admitted. “Is there anything I can do? Anything you need?”

“I need a drink, or a cigarette.” Or a gun.

“I don't think I can give you any of those things.”

“Sharon would do it.”

“Do what, help you relapse? You know I love Sharon, but maybe the fact that she would bend to your every will isn't a good thing.”

“She wouldn't bend to my every will.” Alaska dismissed it. “It's not like that.”

“Isn't it? You guys are barely friends anymore but she's there to catch you every time you need it.”

“Is that so bad?”

“What are you gonna do when you’re home and Sharon’s not there?”

Alaska didn't answer right away. As much as she hated to admit it, there was a part of her asking the same thing. “Call her.” She finally said, and she knew it was selfish. “If she's wrapped around my finger like you think she is, she’ll be there.”

“And you think that's fair to ask of her?”

“Fuck, why are you trying to make me feel guilty? It's hard enough for me to open up and ask for help at all. I get it, this is hard on everyone!” She didn't mean to get angry, but she was just feeling so overwhelmed. She honestly didn't think Sharon was that attached to her. She was just feeling guilty that Alaska was all alone while she had Chad. That was all. Fuck, everyone was just helping her out of pity, weren't they?

“That’s not what I'm trying to say, don't twist my words.” Jinkx took a deep breath. “Have you considered seeing a therapist?”

Alaska laughed out loud.

“Alaska? I'm serious.” The queen didn't stop, and what normally was a warm, cackling laugh felt like nails scraping on a chalkboard.. “Why are you being like this?” Jinkx asked.

The laughter stopped abruptly. Alaska’s jaw clenched and she very quietly and coldly repeated. “I told you. I want to fucking die.”

“I'm really worried, I think I should go get Michelle.”

“No, please.” Alaska’s voice became soft again. “I'm fine, I swear. Just please come here?” She patted the spot beside her.

Jinkx made her way over to the bed, looking a bit reluctant. Alaska couldn't blame her, she was a fucking mess right now and it was wrong to ask Jinkx to stay. She just really didn't want to be alone.

After a good minute, the tension in Jinkx’ body began to seep away, and she grabbed her friend’s hand. Alaska allowed herself to lean her head against the redhead’s shoulder, trying to block out the rest of the world and its chaos. Jinkx was such a good friend, and Alaska was kind of treating her like shit. But she was warm and safe and before she could stop herself Alaska turned to face her and said, “Can I kiss you Jinkx?”

She was leaning in before the redhead could answer, and Jinkx placed a gentle hand on her sternum to stop her. “No.” She said. “What are you doing?”

“Fuck. I'm sorry.” Alaska said sincerely, pulling away and curling up in a ball at the junction of the wall and the bed. “No one wants me now.”

“What? That's not-

“Sharon definitely doesn't want me.” And that was the real kicker. No matter how much Sharon said she was there for her, she had a whole other life separate from Alaska now. She had Chad.

“Alaska.”

“She doesn't. I fucked everything up. I'm messed up and all I've been doing is hurting everyone else.” Jinkx was right, Alaska hadn't been fair to take advantage of Sharon wanting to help. All she'd done was fuck everything up for everyone.

“Don't say that. There's nothing wrong with you.”

Alaska was quiet. After how she'd acted today, that statement didn't seem to ring true.

“Have you eaten today?”

She shook her head.

“You know you should.”

“I don't think I can.”

“Well, we've got to try.”

Jinkx went over to the mini-fridge and pulled out a protein shake. “We were starting to get so much better at this.”

“I know.” Alaska admitted. “But I fucked up again.”

“Did something happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just, you were doing so much better and now you're not.”

“My brain is a fucking mystery.”

“Is it because everyone knows?”

Alaska shrugged. Maybe it was? She couldn't gage her own emotions anymore. All she knew was that the sinking pit in her chest that she'd been ignoring was becoming a little too obvious. “Sharon is engaged.” She said instead of properly answering.

“Oh baby.”

“And it's not like I'm in love with her anymore, because I'm not. It's just like, a door is closing that can't ever be opened again.”

“Like hell you're not in love with her anymore.” Jinkx called her out.

It was shitty but she was right.

“Ok, that’s enough moping around, you're getting up.” Jinkx’ voice changed, and she grabbed both of Alaska’s hands until she was standing up. “You're gonna shower, get dressed, and then you're gonna drink this.” She shook the protein shake in her hand.

Alaska knew she didn't have much choice in the matter. She swallowed a couple times, begging her legs to move her to the bathroom. Finally, she got herself walking, and she realized how shaky she really was. When she got to the bathroom, Jinkx yelled at her to keep the door ajar. It made Alaska a little irrationally upset but she supposed she didn't blame her for it, especially considering the talk of killing herself earlier. She was pretty sure she was over it now, though.

Cranking the water to its highest heat capacity, Alaska managed to pull off her clothes and slip under the scorching stream of water. She tried to let all the negativity wash away, and though it couldn't make her mentally feel better, she did feel physically a bit better once she was clean. Once she was dried off and dressed, she met Jinkx back at her bed and slowly but surely downed the entire protein drink without having it come back up. These small accomplishments felt massive.

“Great.” Jinkx praised her, giving her a pat on the back. “Now, outside.”

Fuck, this was going to be a long day.

\-------

In the end, Alaska got roped into going on a walk with Katya. It wasn't like she didn't like the season 7 queen, in fact Katya was one of her favourites, but she really just wanted to sleep for a decade.

“Come on, mama, we can try to turn this day around.”

There was something about Katya’s utter goofiness that made it hard to be upset. Alaska followed her as she kicked her legs around, stopping constantly to stare into the store windows and make a face in the reflection. People stared a bit, but not an inappropriate amount. Alaska even found herself laughing and singing along with the other queen as they walked. They eventually found a park, where Katya was intent on yelling at the ducks in the pond.

“What's going on, Barbara?” Katya asked, and though she said in her joking, smoker’s voice, Alaska could tell she was being serious.

“I don't know.” She said gently. “I just feel shitty today.”

“Have you been wanting to drink?” Katya asked the question everyone had been silently wondering.

“Today more than ever.” She admitted. She knew Katya would understand. Alaska had been committed to sobriety for 2 years, and she'd only just been thinking about starting to drink in small amounts recently. However, after everything that happened she knew she was close to falling dependent again.

“As if the tour itself wasn't enough to drive someone to drink, right?” Katya spoke. “I keep saying I'm gonna quit smoking but it never manages to happen.”

“I could really use a joint right now.” Alaska said. “Maybe it'd help me calm the fuck down.”

“I feel you, mama.” Katya agreed. “I bet we could bum one off Adore.”

Alaska laughed. That sounded nice, but she knew how Michelle would feel about that.

“Oh.” Katya said suddenly. “Someone found your phone, I forgot to tell you.”

“What?” Alaska had not been expecting that.

“Yeah, a fan. Said that she recognized the wallpaper photo and the phone case. She tweeted you and Michelle about it, but I guess you haven't really been on social media without your phone have you?” Katya continued, “You could probably get it back from her.”

“No. I think I'd better not.” The thought made her a little uneasy at this point. She was a bit sad that she'd lost her photos and videos, but a fresh start seemed much better. “Will you come with me to get a new one?” She asked Katya instead.

A couple hours later, she'd been set up with a brand new iPhone, and she took her time adding back in the contacts she could remember by heart. She hadn't expected it, but her walk had made her feel much better. Katya was similar to her in many ways, and was a great listener. She didn't act like she pitied her all the time either.

However, when she got back to the hotel, she was greeted by Sharon, Jinkx, and Michelle, in a formation that felt a little too intervention-y for her liking.

"We've decided to cancel the tour." Michelle began.

"No, Michelle." She tried to protest, heart sinking in her chest.

"You have to go home, Lask. "

"I can't."

"Justin." Michelle said warningly.

"I can't, I need to be working. Fuck, what am I supposed to do?"

“Go back to see your family, let them support you-

“No fucking way.” She didn't want them to see her like this.

“Or, you let Jinkx stay with you back in LA.” Michelle finished.

“Is this how it's gonna be now? I'm gonna get coddled like a fucking toddler?” She knew she was being immature, but the thought of having nothing else to focus on but the events that had transpired felt like hell. She didn't want people watching her every move, never being allowed to be independent.

“You will until you stop acting like one.” Michelle said coldly, arms crossed over her chest. Alaska could see there was no budging on this.

“Alaska.” Sharon finally spoke up. “We’re not going to force you to do anything, ok? If you're damn set on staying here you can, but we’re cancelling the tour because a lot of us can't handle it right now. It's not your fault. What happened is affecting everyone and we know it's affecting you. It's not fair to yourself or anyone if we all stay. So you have the choice, but I'd really rather you weren't alone because no one can do this by themselves.”

“Fine.” Alaska said. “I'll stay with Jinkx.” She looked to her friend, who gave her a small smile. That was better than nothing, right? If they were going to give her a choice she was going to make the best one possible.

She went to pack her stuff, taking her time before loading it into the bus. It shouldn't be a big deal, she reasoned. She'd go home, she'd get better, and they'd be back for the tour in no time.

Then why did it feel like doors were closing in all around her?

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska does her best to navigate everything now that she's home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is kind of long, and it's a different style and pace than usual but it felt right. Thank you everyone who commented, I honestly live for it and it encourages me to write more. 
> 
> tw: depression, ptsd, anxiety, smut

 

It only took a week for Alaska to drive Jinkx crazy.

It also only took her a week and a half to kick Jinkx out.  
  
It had been what was right for both of them in the end, and Alaska was glad they'd been separated before they'd really fought and said things they'd both regret.

Her new cellphone buzzed by the minute. Sometimes it was Courtney, or Adore, or Michelle, all wanting to know how she was doing. She'd sent all of her friends back to their respective homes as soon as she'd arrived in LA, but they still checked in on her constantly. Alaska wanted to throw the device away, if she was being honest, but Jinkx had told her if she missed their daily phone call she'd send the cops to Alaska’s apartment.

“Did you go to therapy?” Jinkx had asked her today.

“Yes.”

“I swear to God Alaska if you're lying to me.”

“I went, I promise.” She wasn't lying. She'd been going once a week and she wasn't sure if it helping really, but she knew she had to go if she was ever going to be allowed to tour again.

“And when I see you on Friday you're not going to be thinner than the last time will you?”

“No, mom.” Alaska had assured her. That's why it hadn't worked out. As much as Alaska loved Jinkx, and as much as the other queen wanted to help, she became an overbearing weight on Alaska’s shoulders when she was living there. Alaska needed support, but she also needed at least an hour to be independent without someone assuming if she was going to off herself.

So they'd come to some kind of compromise. Jinkx called her once a day to make sure she was awake (alive) and they got together on Fridays in the afternoon for a couple of hours. It was still a lot, but even she had to admit that there was the ever-looming possibility that she was not ok all alone.

The apartment was suffocating sometimes, but she couldn't bring herself to leave it except to go to her therapist's office. And she was lonely, not that she'd ever admit it to Jinkx. She'd gone from being constantly surrounded by her friends to isolated with her own thoughts 24/7.

Brenda, that was her therapist's name, suggested that she organize a schedule to hang out with people other than Jinkx, but Alaska was tired of schedules. Maybe it was bad that her life had barely any structure, but most days she couldn't even get out of bed, let alone go through a routine. Brenda suggested a lot of things to which Alaska didn't pay much attention. Group therapy was a solid no, as was telling her family. The woman had even had the audacity to suggest yoga. Ok, maybe Alaska was a bit hard on her. She meant well, there was just no way Alaska was going to go to a class full of suburban moms in leggings to do downward dog.

Her doctor had switched up her meds, but they only made her feel groggy. She knew her depression and anxiety had plummeted since the trauma but how were pills going to erase what had happened? Michelle asked her if she was ready to go to the authorities and Alaska hung up on her. Not her brightest moment upon reflection.

So things were still kind of shitty, but maybe they were moderately better? She missed working so she started sewing garments she'd probably never get a chance to wear. Everything was so quiet all the time. She wished she had a cat or something to keep her company without bothering her but also knew she'd forget to feed it. Hell, she couldn't even feed herself more than pre-packaged meals and protein boosts. At least she was eating at all.

Then it was late one night, and she was feeling vulnerable and all she wanted was a fucking drink so she did what she knew was wrong and selfish and called Sharon.

“Alaska?” She answered right away even though it was 4am for her. Alaska wasn't sure she would, because once she'd told Sharon to go home, her ex hadn't even called once. Alaska didn't know if she was sad or grateful about that.

“Will you come visit me?” She asked and she hated that she sounded desperate.

“Of course, I'm-” Alaska could hear her shuffling around. She was definitely in bed then. She probably didn't want to wake up Chad. “I'm in Pittsburgh, but I can be there tomorrow.”

She almost protested, almost said that she didn't have to rush and that she was fine. But she was tired and delusional and something in her didn't care if Sharon had to leave her life behind at such short notice.

“Ok.” She said instead.

\-------

Sharon arrived in the late afternoon the next day. She'd gotten the quickest flight she could manage from Pittsburgh. By then, Alaska was level-headed again, and it wasn't that she regretted it, but she felt really fucking guilty.

Sharon told her she'd dropped her things off at a hotel nearby. That hurt Alaska’s heart a little bit, but it was for the best that she wasn't going to be staying overnight with her. She opened her arms to hug her, letting Alaska come to her and she couldn't help but find herself apologizing over and over in her arms.

“I'm sorry I called you, I'm sorry I made you come here.” She whispered, but Sharon didn't let go.

“It's fine, Lask. I told you, I'm here for you.” Sharon gently grasped the back of her neck, rubbing it gently and comfortingly. “I wasn't lying.”

“How long can you stay?” Alaska dared to ask.

“As long as you need, as long as you want.”

Didn't Sharon know that those were two very different things?

Alaska let her into the apartment properly, putting away Sharon’s beat-up leather jacket as she took off her shoes. She realized that in all the years she'd been living here, Sharon had barely even been by once. Since they'd broken up they really only saw each other professionally, despite the media label of “boyfriends to best friends”. Still, after all that time Sharon knew her better than anyone.

Sharon looked around, and Alaska found herself embarrassed of the mess. When they'd been together they were both messy with their drag, but the dirty dishes, clothes, and garbage told a little too much of what Alaska had been up to the past few weeks. Hint: not much.

“Is Jinkx here?” Sharon asked instead of addressing the chaos. She moved to sit on the living room couch, lifting up an old blanket and moving it over so Alaska would have room to join her.

“Oh, I guess I didn't tell you. She moved back home.”

“Oh.” Sharon’s voice betrayed her concern. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing major. We fought all the time. I was a brat, like usual, and she was always there, always telling me to do something, and I couldn't handle it. I love her, but it was a lot.”

Sharon just nodded, and Alaska couldn't tell if she was upset with her for kicking Jinkx out.

“How are you doing?” Sharon asked and Alaska opened her mouth to answer before she was interrupted. “And not some bullshit about how you're actually a lot better and you're ready to tour again.”

“I'm ok.” Alaska said, and Sharon’s eyebrows furrowed skeptically. “And sometimes I'm not. I mostly feel numb a lot, because of my meds, I think. I know I'm not better, not enough to be working, but I feel really useless and really lonely here.”

“I'm sorry.”

“It's ok, I'm really glad you're here.” Was there an awkwardness between them again? Alaska didn't want that. She tried to assure herself that nothing had changed. So what, Sharon was engaged? It didn't mean anything. She was still happy to help Alaska, right?

“Have you eaten lunch?” Sharon changed the conversation.

Alaska shook her head. She'd been feeling too nervous about Sharon coming over to stomach anything.

“Can I order something in here?”

They decided to get Japanese food and it was the first proper meal Alaska had eaten in awhile. She flipped on the tv and put on the Golden Girls, choosing episodes at random. Sharon laughed at her fondly and exclaimed that she hadn't changed a bit. They settled in on the couch, and the awkwardness melted away.

Sharon indulged her just like she had when they were together, pretending to enjoy watching four old ladies making fools of themselves. Alaska spoke almost every line out loud; she knew them all by heart. They stayed like that for hours, and eventually Alaska found herself drifting off to sleep in Sharon’s lap. The TV continued to drone on, but it just became background noise, and Alaska was just so comfortable. She tried to stay awake, but Sharon told her it was fine, and gently stroked her hair.

When she woke up a few hours later, she was in her own bed, tucked under the covers, and Sharon was gone.

\--------

Sharon was there the next morning, and the one after that. Soon enough, a few days turned into a week, into two, four, six.

Alaska never asked when the wedding was going to be, because she was afraid of the answer she'd get. She just relished in their time together trying not to think about how it had an expiry date.

They went to concerts and movies and took long trips to the grocery store, all the things they usually never had time for with shows and tours and albums consuming their lives.

Brenda told her she should be careful about her dependence on Sharon. Eventually she'd have to leave, go back to Pittsburgh and her fiancé.

“Do you think you're going to be ok when that happens?” She'd asked Alaska.

Alaska quit seeing her after that.

Brenda wasn't the only one who was worried about Sharon’s influence on her life. Jinkx had warned her against it on their weekly lunch date, and she'd told Michelle, who'd been quick to call in with her opinion. But Alaska was feeling the best she had in months, or even years, and it was no coincidence that her change in mood had to do with Sharon’s arrival in LA.

Their friendship wasn't like when they'd been together. First of all they weren't both fucked up on drugs and alcohol. There wasn't the jealousy, the lying, the fighting that had filled their romantic relationship with turmoil. It was equal this time too; they were both successful in their own ways and neither of them had to give anything up for the other. Sharon knew Alaska better than anyone, and maybe that's the main reason it worked. She was lonely and depressed, and she needed someone who'd support her, listen to her, but not coddle her. Someone who wasn't so attached that she wouldn't give her freedom but knew her well enough to read the signs and provide what she needed.

And maybe she missed the kissing and the sex a little--scratch that--a lot, and was reminded of it every second that Sharon was around, but it was better than being without her. They were friends, and that was enough. Sharon still left every night to go back to her hotel. She was probably paying a fortune for it, but Alaska knew better than to ask her to just stay over. She understood why Sharon had to draw that line.

“Michelle wants to go back on tour.” Sharon told her one evening as if she'd been dreading speaking. They'd been having fun all day doing some thrifting but Sharon always got serious at night.

Alaska took a moment to understand the tone of voice. She didn't sound happy, shouldn't she be happy? She finally got it. “Without me, you mean.”

Sharon nodded.

“I wanted you to know before it was all over the Internet.”

That hardly would have been a problem. Alaska had logged out of all her social media for fear of what people might be saying about her sudden drop off the face of the earth. It hurt a little bit that Michelle hadn't told her herself but after the way Alaska had been treating her in their phone calls, she couldn't really blame her.

“It makes sense.” Alaska said gently. And it did. The other girls had probably recovered just fine and it didn't make sense for the entire world to stop turning just because poor old Alaska was still fucked up.

“Are you ok?” Sharon asked. Alaska was sure she'd know if she lied and said she was fine.

“Are you going to go?” She just questioned her instead. Sharon didn't falter at the question and kept her gaze steady.

“I told her no, not until you're back.”

Alaska’s heart swelled but she felt a little guilty. This was getting into dangerous territory. She knew she should ask why Sharon was putting her entire life on hold just for her, the messed up ex boyfriend, when she had millions of fans to perform for, music to write, a fiancé to marry. Why would she run from that?

Once again she kept her mouth shut. Was it bad that she hoped Sharon needed Alaska as badly as Alaska needed her?

\----------

Sharon was with Alaska when Chad called. It wasn't the best moment to answer, perhaps; Alaska had been in bed all day severely depressed and panicky and only recently calmed down. She'd been so much better but the flashbacks still hit her from time to time and all Sharon could do was listen and comfort her. However, she had been missing Chad’s calls all week and it was starting to weigh on her conscience. She excused herself to take the call in the kitchen, knowing that being around Alaska would be a bad idea.

“When are you gonna come home?” He asked, and he didn't sound mad but his voice was distant.

“I don't know.”

“I can't do this Sharon.”

They were words that Sharon had secretly been wanting to hear but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

“I can do it when you're away on tour, and you talk to me every day and I know I'm still the only one you're thinking about.”

“That’s not fair Chad, I….” Sharon paused, leaning in the kitchen counter and letting the cold of the granite seep into her palm. “She needs me.”

“I know that, and I get that. But you can't pretend your heart isn't invested.”

Sharon didn't think it was worth fighting. Maybe she didn't even want to fight it. Chad wasn't wrong, she cared a lot about Alaska, and it wasn't something she could just control. “I'm not cheating on you, if that's what you think.”

“Aren't you, though?” Chad said a little bitterly, but he mostly sounded tired. “I doesn't matter if you're not fucking him, Aaron. You're supposed to be here with me, but you're not, you're with him in LA and that's not much different.”

“I love you.” That was all she could manage to say. She didn't have an excuse, only those three words that were still true but held very little weight.

“You love him more.”

“I'm sorry.” And she was. Sharon was sorry that she'd been treating him like shit, running away without a proper conversation. She just wasn't in it anymore, and he was right, her heart was somewhere else. She couldn't regret the time she'd been spending with Alaska, but she could feel guilty about treating Chad unfairly.

“It's ok… Well, it fucking sucks, but I'll be ok.”

This was going to be a lot harder on him that it was on her. Chad’s voice was shaky as they said their goodbyes, and Sharon realized it sounded like he'd been crying before picking up the phone. But God, or Satan, or whoever was there controlling the universe, she just felt like a weight had been released from her chest. She supposed that was a sign that it had been destined to happen. Such an imbalance of happiness could never have lasted.

\--------

Sharon went back to Alaska’s bedroom after the call. Her head was spinning with emotions, but the tension she'd been holding in her jaw and her neck for weeks had relaxed.

The younger queen immediately asked her what was wrong because of her strange demeanour.

“We broke up.” She said bluntly, but not sadly.

“Fuck Sharon, I'm sorry.” Alaska cursed. “It's not because…?”

“It's not your fault; it was mine. It was a long time coming, I just didn't want to see it.” Sharon sighed and chuckled bitterly at herself. “I've been here for weeks and I haven't once wanted to go back.”

“Where are you gonna go?”

“I don't know.”

Silence fell over them, and Sharon bit her lip. When she looked up, Alaska was looking at her through her lashes. Even without fake ones, they were long and pretty.

“You could stay here.” She suggested, and it was a heavy statement. Sharon neither accepted or declined but instead came to sit next to Alaska on her bed. Would it be wrong to kiss her only minutes after breaking off her engagement? Yes, probably, maybe? The voice of reason in her head was getting quieter.

Alaska leaned in Sharon’s direction until she could feel her breathing against her cheek. “In fact, you should stay here.” She whispered into Sharon’s ear, and she really didn't think she was strong enough to resist. Despite being sweaty, with unwashed hair and yesterday’s clothes. Alaska was kind of fucking beautiful. Her blue eyes were hooded with desire as they met Sharon’s, and her full lips formed into a pout.

Fuck. The electric current in the sliver of a gap between their faces was multiplying by the second.

Sharon finally closed the space between their lips, gripping onto the sides of Alaska’s face gently. Maybe they were going fast, but somehow it was like they had been together again for weeks. No, they hadn't been intimate, but Sharon wasn't foolish enough to think she didn't know Alaska intimately because of the time they'd been spending together.

The younger queen was wearing mint Chapstick, and it was so familiar to Sharon that it brought her back. She remembered that her lips would crack and bleed without it, and it seemed that hadn't changed. Sharon nipped at Alaska’s bottom lip, which was quivering gently against her mouth. She let out a whimper, obviously wanting to be closer still.

The brunette's hands wandered to her shirt, slowly pushing it up her torso and pulling it over her head. Alaska’s hips ground into Sharon’s and she could tell she was hard even though they were both wearing jeans.

“Are you sure?” Sharon asked between kisses. “Because I need you to be sure.”

“I am.”

“You have to tell me what you need.” She couldn't be taking advantage of Alaska when she was weak. She needed to know that she wasn't gonna wake up in the morning and regret it.

“I need you.”

Sharon took it slow, which was something they never used to do. Though the sex had always been good, it had so often been angry and hard and fast. They knew each other's bodies so well but now they had to learn all over again. She tried to be careful, testing every step and every touch with utmost care. She reached for the bottom of Alaska’s shirt, tugging on it gently but the other queen grabbed her hands to stop her.

“I'm sorry.” She apologized. “Can we leave it on?”

“Of course.” Sharon said without malice. “Thank you for telling me.”

They continued in that routine. Sharon would go slow, and Alaska would tell her what she could and couldn't do. Maybe it added an awkwardness to something that should be natural, but the reality was that the trauma Alaska had endured was anything but natural. They just had to work around it, and and Sharon learned the Operation Board of where to touch and where to avoid on Alaska’s body. (Forehead, Mouth, Stomach: Good. Chest, Wrists, Throat: Bad). Neither of them could afford to get shocked. Soon enough, Sharon was on her knees with her lips around Alaska’s cock and they were both moaning. The skinny queen had her head thrown back, completely overwhelmed by Sharon’s mouth bobbing up and down her length. Sharon could feel her surrender against her, and there was something about knowing that Alaska trusted her enough to give up control that only made Sharon ache for her more. She unravelled screaming Sharon’s name, and it was familiar and right.

After Alaska came she pulled Sharon up to kiss her, hard, and trailed her fingers down her chest. They switched positions, and Sharon found the back of her knees pressed up against the bed where Alaska had just been moments ago. The younger queen began to place kisses down her bare torso until she reached the waistband of her jeans. Then she froze.

There were many things she couldn't do anymore that she used to when they were together. Alaska had asked not to have her hands restrained, and they'd both decided penetrative sex would be too much tonight. Even still, Sharon could see her getting frustrated with herself. Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with Sharon’s belt, betraying her anxiety.

“Baby, baby stop.” She grabbed both of Alaska’s hands and pulled her to her feet from her kneeling position. She looked her right in the eye. “We don't need to, it’s ok.”

“But you did it for me and I want to be able to do it for you.” Alaska was almost in tears, her whole body quivering.

“Woah there, woah there, I think it's time to stop.” She wrapped the taller queen in her arms, pulling her face into the crook of her shoulder.

“Fuck… I'm sorry Shar.” Alaska choked.

“No need to apologize. We’ll get there. Or if we don't, that's ok too.”

“I want to make you feel good too.”

“You do make me feel good.” Sharon reassured her, placing a kiss on Alaska’s soft brown curls. “We have all the time in the world to figure out what works.”

Sharon pulled her over to the bed, tossing her down gently onto the duvet. She stood up quickly, and Alaska whimpered as they lost contact.

“One sec,” Sharon reassured her. She shuffled around the room until she found what she'd been looking for: a huge, fluffy navy-blue blanket. She brought it over to the bed, wrapping it around Alaska’s shoulders.

“You don't want to sleep in jeans, do you?” She asked the younger queen, who looked tiny, engulfed in the large throw.

Alaska drowsily kicked off her pants so she was just in boxer briefs and a t-shirt. Sharon took off her own jeans too but didn't bother with a shirt. She snuggled in underneath the covers with Alaska, reaching out her arms before stopping and saying, “can I hold you?”. Alaska nodded and huddled into Sharon’s side.

The puzzle clicked.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharon surprises Alaska

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have no idea how happy all of the feedback has made me. Thank you everyone who has read, left kudos, or commented. This story has been such a wonderful journey to write. This is almost the end, and we're looking at probably only an epilogue after this.

“Sharon.” Alaska said, her voice shaking. “I'm not sure about this.”

Her hands reached for the blindfold around her eyes as she tentatively stumbled forward. There was so much noise all around her, but she couldn't make out anything specific.

“It's ok, we’re almost there.” Sharon reassured her, hands guiding her firmly by the shoulders. “But if the blindfold doesn't feel good you can take it off, you just have to promise to keep your eyes closed.”

“I'll be fine.” Alaska said, trying to convince herself. She was with Sharon, so of course she was safe; it was just a little unnerving. The hustle and bustle began to condense and shrink, and Alaska could tell they'd stepped inside somewhere. Sharon led her around a few turns and twists before she finally stopped and told her to take off her blindfold.

“Surprise.” Sharon whispered in her ear as she opened her eyes.

Bright lights hit Alaska’s retinas and as she focused, she saw the familiar faces of all her friends.

“Alaska!” Adore yelled, running up and asking to hug her. There were others too, Courtney, Willam, Bianca, Jinkx, Katya, Roxxxy and Detox, even Alyssa.

They each came up to hug her in turn, and Alaska let herself be swept up in the love and support surrounding her. Willam pretended to be mad that Alaska hadn't been answering her calls, but she knew she was just happy to see her. The AAA girls were reunited, and Courtney forced them into a group hug with her tiny arms. Alaska could see they'd both been worried about her, despite the jokes they made about her ‘leaving the band’. She'd missed all of her friends a lot, and she hadn't even realized.

“Hey baby,” Detox squeezed her arm and Roxxxy joined beside her.

“Hey D.” Alaska could tell that someone had told them what had happened. She could see the pity in their eyes, and tried not to let it get to her. They may not have been the clique that they'd appeared to be on the Race, but Detox and Roxxxy could read her like a book even now.

“How are you, Lasky?” Detox asked, brushing Alaska’s hair gently with her fingers.

“I'm ok.” She told them both. “Really.” They seemed convinced, and that's because it was true, this time. “What have you guys been up to?”

They filled her in on their lives. They'd both been doing shows around the states, and Detox had been working on some music. Alaska couldn't help but feel like her own career was at a bit of a standstill in comparison to what they'd accomplished in the past few months. She supposed that's what happened when the world kept working at such a fast pace while she'd been hiding away. Some of the queens had been back on BOTS, and Alaska wasn't sure if they were lying when they said it wasn't the same without her. She tried not to think about it too much. A part of her longed to be back at work, but another part wanted to stay in the blissful peace she had with Sharon.

Finally, Michelle Visage herself made her way up to the tall queen, squeezing her a little longer and tighter than the others had.

“I'm sorry,” Alaska whispered into Michelle’s shoulder. She had a lot to apologize for: being a brat, not answering Michelle’s calls, not taking Michelle’s advice, snapping at her once or twice. But she knew that Michelle didn't take it personally, and the woman just rubbed her hands in circles on her back for a few seconds as if to say that it was all ok.

She could see now that they were in a small dressing room, and all the queens were in various states of getting in drag. Sharon took her hand and led her over to a mirror, where her costumes were hanging on a rack and her makeup and wigs were stored on the counter. The door of the room opened, and Alaska was greeted with her dear musician friend, Jeremy.

“Jeremy?” She couldn't help the smile that grew on her face.

“Hiya, doll.” He said softly, with a grin. Alaska hadn't seen him since before she'd left for BOTS and hadn't realized how much she'd missed him.

Everyone got settled in, and Michelle came up to Alaska’s station to explain what was going on. As much as Alaska loved seeing all her friends again, she was admittedly a little confused about why she was here.

“We've got a small show planned for tonight.” Michelle began. “ All the girls are gonna do a little something, but it's very low key and a small venue. We thought you might like a time slot.”

“How the fuck did you plan all this without me noticing?” Alaska asked, looking around the room in awe.

“We haven't been thinking much about drag, lately.” Sharon wiggled her eyebrows. Obviously she'd had a large hand in planning all of this.

“We know it's a lot.” Jinkx told her. “But that's why it's here, and you can just watch in the audience if you want, but we thought you could try?”

“I-I don't have anything prepared.”

“You know I can play anything you want. You can just sit and sing.” Jeremy drawled gently.

Alaska pondered for a moment, and the usual worry began to seep in. Performing again sounded amazing, and it had been all she wanted to do for so long, but now, she was afraid of what could happen. She hadn't practiced anything in a long time, and she was a little worried that she'd freeze up on stage.

“Don't you think everyone's going to ask me where I've been?” She asked, her voice small.

“You know what I think?” Sharon began. “Fuck them. I know we all love our fans and owe them a lot, but you don't owe them your personal life. You don't have to tell them anything, just be back and better than ever.”

“Ok.” Alaska said firmly, making up her mind.

“Ok?” Jinkx looked hopeful, a glint of excitement in her eyes.

“Ok, I'll do it.”

\---------

Alaska relished in the routine of getting in drag again for the first time in months. Sharon had made sure they arrived early so she'd have as much time as she needed. The spooky queen was sitting out on performing tonight, and instead helped Alaska get ready.

It was a bit like the old days, minus the secret resentment they'd had for each other after they'd both been on the Race. Sharon brushed out her wig to the best of her ability, complaining about how Alaska hadn't changed in terms of proper wig care.

She really took her time on her face, enjoying how she transformed from awkward Justin, to Alien Princess Alaska again. Maybe she went a little overboard with the glitter, but she was a fucking drag queen and being drowned in glitter was a right.

Finally, she was backstage waiting, and the panic began to grip her again. Her body tensed up and she couldn't make herself relax. Time was ticking, and if she wanted to back out it had to be soon.

“I don't know if I can do this.” She whispered, her brain was conflicted. To run? Or to stay?

“I know you can.” Sharon reassured her. “And if you really want out it's totally fine, we can go sit in the audience, or watch from backstage, but just know that we're all here rooting for you no matter what.”

“I have missed it.” She admitted, trying to remind herself.

“You can just do one song, or as many as you like.”

Sharon was right. Alaska had got this. She'd done much bigger shows a hundred times before, and this didn't have to be any different. She was worried about the fans, and how they'd receive her return, but it was such a small venue that she was sure not too many people had their eye on her.

“And remember, if they boo you off the stage, boos are just applause from ghosts.”

Alaska laughed, and Sharon brushed a kiss against her cheek. “I'll be in the audience, you can join me after or watch from backstage. Good luck.”

She slipped away, and Alaska didn't have to miss her too long before another hand gripped hers: Jeremy. He didn't have to say anything but she immediately felt calm in the familiarity. She was going to be fine.

\--------

As Alaska stepped onstage and the lights hit her eyes, everything changed. The audience screamed, but not any more or less than usual. She could hear them speaking her greeting, so she couldn't not join them in a long “Hieeeeee!”. Jeremy settled down at the piano, and Alaska moved the mic stand to her height. Willam had done a number before her and wasn't nearly as tall as her. As much as Alaska would have liked to do some of her more upbeat pieces, she didn't have any choreography or music, so the laid back ones would have to do.

She fell back into the familiarity of singing with just Jeremy to support her. Any time she slipped up, he was there to catch her. They ended up performing Legendary, Killer, and Everything Tonight. The crowd was such a good group, and they seemed to appreciate some of her lesser known songs anyways.

At the end of the set, she looked out into the audience and saw someone had scribbled on a piece of paper to make a sign. It read, We Missed You Alaska, with about a dozen hearts drawn underneath. Alaska was hit with a tornado of emotions at the sight. She'd missed this, the music, drag, the fans, so much too. She managed to make it backstage without making a scene, and Courtney went up to perform some songs from her album, looking gorgeous in a new wig from her wig company. As Alaska stood and watched from the wings, she realized that her breath wouldn't slow down, and tears began to form in her eyes.

A few minutes later she heard someone coming up beside her, Alyssa, and she tried to hide her face as the older queen approached her.

“Oh, baby, you're crying.” Alyssa put a hand on Alaska’s shoulder. “You know I always hated it on our season when you'd cry.”

“It's fine, I'm fine.” Alaska tried to get a grip but she could stop the tears. God, why was she so emotional? She was so happy, why was this happening? Everything just felt so overwhelming.

“Come here.” Alyssa pulled her into a hug. “Now now, I'm serious, if you don't stop this sniffling business I'm gonna be right behind you, honey.” Alyssa joked.

“I was such a baby on our season, wasn't I? Probably annoyed the shit out of everyone.”

“No, honey. I mean, you did cry a lot but it always made me sad to see you sad.”

“I'm happy, I swear.” She tried to convince Alyssa. “I'm just feeling so many emotions at once, and it's a lot.”

“I know, baby.” Alyssa began to stroke Alaska’s hair until her breathing slowed. “Do you want me to go find Sharon?” Alaska nodded against her. “Yeah, let's find Sharon.”

Alyssa led her back into the dressing room from backstage, and Sharon was standing by the wall holding a paper bag of takeout. Clearly she hadn't been expecting Alaska back just yet.

“Lask?” She asked, and the relaxed look on her face immediately turned to one of worry as she saw Alyssa practically supporting the skinny queen’s weight. She threw down her bag, obviously ready to help with whatever Alaska needed.

“She's good, Sharon.” Alyssa told her as Alaska untangled herself from the older queen to practically throw herself into Sharon’s arms. Her face was still wet with tears, but she'd stopped sobbing and she couldn't help the big smile forming on her face.

“Thank you.” She told Sharon as the queen pulled her close. “Thank you so much, you have no idea.”

“Anything for you.” Sharon whispered back. She helped Alaska fix her face from crying and the two of them headed into the audience to sit. Luckily, no one seemed so curious that they needed to bother them, so they managed to slip into their seats with little fuss.

Alaska loved drag and as each of her friends went up to perform, she felt grounded with reality again. This was what she was meant to be doing, and she was so grateful to have people in her life who loved her enough to plan something like this. It was a wild show, with a mix of singing, dancing, and comedy. The best kind of drag show.

Adore began to perform onstage, and as the music played, Alaska recognized that it was their song together. Adore started off on her own, but as she neared Alaska’s verse, she beckoned for her to come up on stage. Alaska looked over to Sharon, asking with her eyes if she should go, and the older queen gave her a gentle push on her shoulders.

“Get out of here, bitch.” She said, but her mouth was quirked up in a smile, showing the gap in her front teeth. It was cute.

Alaska hopped up to join Adore, and though neither of them had planned choreography, the audience seemed to eat it up. Adore was a naturally cuddly person, and she gripped onto Alaska’s waist with both hands as they strutted the stage, looking pretty fuckig cool. When the song finished, she grabbed Alaska’s hand and held it high up in the air as the crowd cheered. This was better than winning a sports tournament, a wrestling match, or even Rupaul’s Drag Race itself. The show came to an end, and Michelle Visage came out to give a final goodbye to the audience. The other queens joined Adore and Alaska onstage, clasping hands together and making an awkward group hug.

They were proud of her, weren't they? Michelle wouldn't stop smiling and Alaska looked to the audience to see Sharon and her scruffy hair standing and clapping for them all. They were all here because they loved her, and that meant everything to her.

But more than all of that, Alaska was proud of herself.


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All stars 2 is upon them and Alaska has come a long way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I'm a bit emotional writing his. This is the epilogue and the final instalment of Flying Low. This story has been a way for me to cope with my own shit, and the amount of support I've received is important to me in ways I can't explain. Thank you all so much for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. 
> 
> Tw: anxiet, panic attacks

_On set of Rupaul's Drag Race All Stars 2_

Alaska had worked so fucking hard to get here, so fucking hard, and she could feel emotions she hadn't felt in a long time rising up in her chest. She was on camera, exposed, vulnerable, and everything hurt. Fuck. She couldn't control her breathing. She took off her wig, something she would never usually do but fuck, she might be, should be, going home today so fuck it.

She wished she could call Sharon, because everything she had worked for the last four years was coming crashing down, and Detox was looking at her like a toddler and Katya would barely meet her eye. She understood why, she was being fucking immature, but she hadn't felt this shitty in a long time, Not since she'd been using, not since that one tour of BOTS she really didn't have to think about much anymore.

She said things she didn't mean, as she was known to do when she was upset, but this time it was worse because the walls she'd built up were cracking for all of the world to see. Shit. Every joke struck a chord of hurt, even if they were meant to be lighthearted. This couldn't be happening.

  
The rest of the day passed in a blur, and the dissociative feeling was all too familiar and uncomfortable. She was backstage, breaking down, then on stage, watching Katya and Detox lip sync. Then finally, Alyssa was going home, and God, she didn't deserve it, not Alyssa, but it wasn't _Alaska_. That was important, right? Even when the air in the room opened up she couldn't get herself to think properly. She wanted the crown, had worked for it so hard, but did she really deserve it?

She couldn't eat in the workroom with the rest of them for dinner. No, she couldn't handle what they might say, and how she might respond. On top of that, she just wanted the cameras off her, even though they had officially stopped rolling. They were known to turn them back on if anything interesting happened. She went back to the hotel with her vegetarian burrito but it didn't seem appealing.

Alaska cuddled up in some blankets in her hotel room and flicked on the tv, but the bed seemed cold and empty without Sharon. She wasn't dependent on their relationship, but Sharon had helped her heal so much in the time since the assault, and the loneliness of being here really began to hit her.

It wouldn't be much longer now until she was home with her again, but she wasn't really ready to let it all go and pretend that nothing had happened. That's what a lot of her job was now, pretending. It was the only way to keep her private and professional life separate, which had turned out to be vital towards maintaining her recovery as well as her relationship with Sharon.

Of all days it had to be the one with her mother. Pam had given Alaska her support years ago, but that hadn't always been the case. It was upsetting that she had to slip up in front of her, and even though she knew her mother thought no less of her, it was fucking embarrassing. She was such a different person than she had been in season 5, yet that old personality had reared its ugly head today.

Suddenly, Alaska was interrupted from her thoughts by a knock at her door.

“Alaska?” It was Katya. “Please open the door.”

She reluctantly went to the door, bowing her head in shame as she let Katya in.

“What's going on, Barbara?”

“I feel fucking terrible.”

“You know regardless of what happens on camera, I'm your friend, and I'm here for you, right?”

“I fucked up today, Katya.”

“And we could all see that it was just a slip up. That's why you didn't go home.”

“But it's not just that. I was shitty about it all, I was a brat to you and I was just horrible to everyone.” Alaska paused. “I'm sorry.”

“What's going on? What are you feeling right now?”

“Why are you being nice to me?”

“Because I'm your friend, bitch.” Katya told her. “Like I said, it doesn't have to be about the competition right now, this is just me, Brian, being worried about you, Justin.”

“I feel embarrassed.” Alaska admitted. “And I'm really sorry for how I acted today.”

“I know how easy it is to let the stress of it all get to you. This place is like a tiny compressed version of the real world, and everything you feel normally is heightened.”

“Exactly. And God, Katya, I haven't felt this out of control of everything since…” she trailed off. She knew the other queen was aware of what she was talking about; she'd been present for the last major breakdown Alaska had experienced. It was awhile ago now, but no one could really truly forget.

“I hadn't even thought about that.” Katya sounded a bit guilty. “Shit.”

“It's not your fault. I don't think about it much anymore, but it's just like being that vulnerable again was shitty, and it brought back all that negativity I was feeling back then but this time I was on camera.”

“I get why you were upset. Frankly, it was a bit shitty that they kept filming you. Like, I know they needed content but you were almost full-blown panicking.”

It had taken a lot of strength not to pull a Willam and leave the room. She didn't think she would have been able to, though, given how her body had been reacting.

“I guess I’d hoped I'd never feel like this again. It's been a year and a half”

“Shit like that doesn't just disappear.”

“No I know. I just thought I was better.”

“You are.” Alaska raised an eyebrow as Katya spoke. “You really are. Like yeah, it hit you a bit today, and it might hit you again when you're struggling but you have come such a long way, I mean it Alaska.”

“Thanks Katya.” They'd both improved so much since their seasons, and Katya seemed so calm this time around. Alaska didn't really understand how, considering the immense pressure on all of them at all times, but she was proud of the Russian Queen. She was also just grateful to have someone who'd felt those same feelings here.

“Anytime, mama.”

“I miss Sharon.” Alaska admitted.

“It's good for you to be able to do this all on your own, you've achieved so much, regardless of who wins.”

“I know, and I guess I'm proud of myself. I haven't felt like I did last time, like my success was tied to hers. It's been all me. But just today, I really wish I could talk to her.”

“I get that.”

“I know everyone keeps saying that it's Rolaskatox all over again.” Alaska began.

“You don't have to explain anything to me, you're allowed to care about your friends.”

“No, I know, but Katya, if anyone here is my friend, it's you.” She paused. “Like, Roxxxy and Detox are great. Roxxxy is so sweet and she's always there helping everyone who needs it, but they don't get me the same way. I'm like a little sister to them, and I can't relate to them any better than they can relate to me. You know?”

“I get what you mean.” Katya agreed. “We’re all a bit fucked up, but me and you, we’re fucked up in similar ways.”

“No matter what happens, we’re ok, right?”

“Of course we are, you idiot.” Katya smiled.

  
\----------

The bar was dark and everyone was quiet, eyes fixated on the projection screen. Alaska looked over to the sidelines, and Sharon met her gaze with a comforting nod. They'd both agreed they shouldn't sit together if the club wanted to film Alaska’s reaction.

At this point, Alaska was at peace with whatever might happen. It had been a year since filming, and she was grateful for the experience. That being said, of course her heart wanted it, more badly than it had ever really wanted something.

She cringed at her crying face on the screen. It still made her uncomfortable that everyone had seen that moment of weakness, but she brushed it off. It was in the past.

Finally, Rupaul was calling her name, and the people around her in the bar began to cheer. It was a bit of a whirlwind as she was called up onstage and presented with the crown and sceptre. She managed to keep it cool for her speech, for numerous photo shoots and interviews throughout the night. She had waited and prepared for years for this moment.

Alaska was unbelievably happy. After all the time she'd spent telling herself that the crown and the title she'd lost didn't mean anything, after all the time she'd spent building her career to its full potential, she was America’s Next Drag Superstar.

And when it was over, there was Sharon, with her bright smile and fumbled words and comforting hands. They could go home to privacy, no cameras, no pretending they weren't in love.

They didn't keep score anymore like when they used to be together, but this was an evening of the playing field that had been years in the making. Alaska could finally stop wishing they could go back in time and not fuck everything up. Somehow they'd made it to this point together, even with the numerous obstacles, and they were stronger for it.

“I'm so proud of you, you have no idea.” Sharon whispered against Alaska’s lips.

There was still a lot to come. Death threats, hate, a tarnished reputation. But like every time she'd struggled before, her friends, Katya, Alyssa, Willam, Courtney, Jinkx, and of course, Sharon, had her back. She would get through it all.

Alaska had built a legacy.


End file.
